So you think you can make a mean cup of hot cocoa, huh? Well, mortal, I assure you that you do not. However, I possess this ancient skill, and am willing to share my knowledge with you.
I am a professional cook so I definitely know what I’m doing.
Warning: this recipe may blow your mind. Proceed with caution.
First, go to the cupboard and find the biggest mug you own. Above, you see the incredible cup I like to drink butterbeer from.
Actually, that may be a bit too big. You’d probably get a relentless stomachache from drinking all that cocoa. Pick the second-largest mug.
Raid your cabinets (and possibly your neighbors’, too) to gather the supplies: milk, fresh from the cow’s udder; sugar as pure as my heart; cocoa as dark as some actress’s hair; vanilla that smells like the sweet tears of Jesus; and salt (idk why, just roll with it).
Don’t forget your tools of mass destruction! I mean, um . . . your tools of mass delight-inducing-ness. A whisk and tablespoon.
Empty the entire milk carton into your mug. If it’s actually your second-largest cup, there should be a pocket dimension inside of it, so you don’t have to worry about it spilling.
MICROWAVE IT FOR ONE HOUR.
One minute works, too.
Add two tablespoons of cocoa to the steaming cup of milk. You could use the normal “Natural Unsweetened” kind (if you like being boring), or you could use “SPECIAL DARK COCOA,” aka the best kind. Or, idk, use both.
Combine all the ingredients in your mug. A dash of salt, a splash of vanilla, and
five cups two tablespoons of sugar.
Take your weapon of mass destruction and whip that thing into a frothy goodness.
Taste, decided to add more sugar, and end up using those five cups I mentioned earlier.
And now, the most important part.
♥ ♥ ♥ Toppings ♥ ♥ ♥
Dump an entire bag of marshmallows into it because sugar is really, really good for you.
Put on a butt-load of whipped cream and shower with sprinkles. Then add a bendy straw because you are classy.
Skip away with your cocoa and leave the mess for someone else.
But you can’t forget the most important step! After slurping down the cocoa in .16 minutes, crawl into your bedroom, lay on your bed, turn on the fan, and be miserable because you now have a horrific stomachache.
And that is how you make the perfect cup of hot cocoa.