// playing cards //

i’m sitting in the tree house that my father made for me when i was a kid. leaning against the sturdy tree trunk — one that’s been growing and thriving and alive for longer than i’ve existed — i feel the dips of the bark pressing against my spine. it’s God’s fingerprint on his creation. an artist mark.

k is on the floor, her legs crossed. she has a pack of playing cards with her and is laying them out on the mossy slats of wood. “this one is q,” she announces, setting the king of diamonds next to the queen of the same suit. she shoots a smug smile at b, who is hugging herself and staring into space. “the queen is you.”

b blinks. “really?” she laughs, her pale cheeks flushing red. then she points at the king and queen of hearts and suggests, “then these are you and t.”

a smile breaks out on k’s face. one flickers over my lips, as well. there’s something about seeing my friends happy over simple things that makes me think the world isn’t all bad.

k sticks her tongue out at b. with mischief sparkling in those clear cerulean eyes of hers, she settles her gaze on me. a joker card is pinched between her fingers. “this one is you, loren.” she casts it off to the side. “sorry, but your love isn’t coming back.” she laughs and gives me a sympathetic look.

i know she’s joking.

and i know that i’m a joke.

of course i’m the joker, and everyone else are the queens.

jokes always have a bit of truth to them. that’s why i’m the most fun to tease. everything about me can be turned into something for others to laugh at, and i won’t stand up for myself. why should i? it’s just a joke.

my friends are singing softly, smiling at their hands as the words leave their mouths and spiral through the air.

cause all of me loves all of you. love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections”

they don’t sound perfect. but they sound real. real and deeply in love and daydreaming of someone that makes them feel something sought after by the whole world. the memories playing through their heads and the names written on their hearts may be different, but the feeling they’re pouring into the song is the same.

once they finish, a breeze rushes through the delicate leaves of the tree. it sounds like the earth is applauding.

with a faraway expression one k’s pixie-esque features, she tilts her head up at me. “come on, loren, won’t you sing something for us?” she asks.

a hundred songs race through my head, filling me with a sea of notes and favorite lyrics. but they feel too secret to share, as if opening my mouth will unleash all the memories and feelings and ideas attached to each song. the music is woven into my soul.

“i can’t think of a song. sorry.”

my friends shrug and pick a new song to sing.

the sun is going down. pastel shades of pink and orange and yellow creep along the horizon. it’s warm and the crickets are joining the melody and the stars i hung on the tree’s branches are beginning to glow.

it’s a perfect moment. but i wish you were here.

 my friends are in love and the sky is a masterpiece and i am lonely.

xo

loren

p.s. b/den mother and k/pup have both started blogs: “dear universe” and “north to south.” make sure to check those out. :)

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45 thoughts on “// playing cards //

  1. Jaclynn says:

    Don’t feel bad about yourself, Loren. You are special no matter what you or anybody else thinks. God made you and loves you. He has a plan for you and it’s going to be amazing. <3
    It's easy to feel lonely when so many others around you are in love or have a significant other, but being single is a gift. It's a time for you to chase your dreams. It's a time for you to dedicate yourself to serving the Lord and others – something that will be harder to do when you're married or in a relationship in general. Someone special will come into your life. Someday. But for now, don't be sad. Enjoy the place your in :)
    ~Jaclynn~

    Liked by 2 people

    • Loren says:

      feeling bad about myself is what i’m best at. *jazz hands*

      i am in love, and there’s someone who loves me back, but i’m lonely anyway and i don’t quite know why.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Allison says:

    That was sooo beautiful and soo sad, Loren. *SNIFF* But chin up, girl, you have many years ahead of you to find your king. :) ♥♥♥ Best wishes, dear.
    P. S. Wow, really? I shall certainly go check out their blogs!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. McKenna says:

    this post is so beautiful. but hey, loren? girl, you are a queen. in God’s eyes you are his perfect creation and he loves you so much. so stay strong, courageous heart :)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. May @ Forever and Everly says:

    Loren this is so beautiful omg. I read it like three times and… you are just an amazing writer. First, you are NOT a joke. You may be to some people, and that’s okay. I’m a joke to some people. But a joke is not who you are to yourself, okay? And second, are your friends really in love??? I’M SORRY I’M BAD AT READING BETWEEN THE LINES. XD

    Liked by 1 person

  5. northtwosouth says:

    omg loren i love youe evesoooo much and wow i cry every time i read your blog because your such a powerful writer if only shakespear were alive to see a true poet your so loved my many i will always be here for you and i hope you realize that your not a joke your amazing and smart and funny and talented and caring and loving and ship crazy and your one of the only people who can make me smile when i feel my smile is broken you mean the world to so many and i dont like the though of you thinking your not good enough because your so amazing and special and life would be so broken and lost and lonely if i never ment you im sorry this is so long but every word is true theres millions of words but non of them right to explain how amazing and special you are your so amazing and i love you so much the best day of my life was meeting my best friend because that day the world seemed a little bit brighter and i little more alive and i could write novels on how amazing you are but even then i wouldnt have enough words to explain how special you are

    Liked by 5 people

  6. Danielle says:

    You make me sad, Loren. I think it’s good to show your emotions. I didn’t show my fear, and it was a torment inside me. Don’t be sad. Be a happy soul in a sad universe. Be a star in a pitch black sky. Be a bubbling brook in a silent forest. And if sad is you, be you.

    Like

  7. Danielle says:

    And just know that your loved know matter what.
    And just in case you were never sure, you write aesthetically. Absolutely aesthetically.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. SimplyGone says:

    Your are not a joke! Infact much the opposit <3 Your so beautiful, talented, and real.
    Thats one of the things i love about you, you dont pertend to be someone your not. Your real. Your Loren. Your You. I love that about you. Never doubt how special you adn your life is. Your so special <3 I love you so much

    The way you depict me is so perfect and confedaint… im not really like that but its cool you see me that way<3 i love that memory, so speical. I love the way your brain works<3

    Now, the night is coming to an end,
    Oh

    The sun will rise, and we will try again.
    Oh

    Stay alive, stay alive, for me.
    You will die, but now your life is free,

    Take
    Pride
    In what is sure
    To
    Die.

    I will fear the night again,
    Oh

    I hope I'm not my only friend.
    Oh

    Stay alive, stay alive, for me.
    You will die, but now your life is free,

    Take
    Pride
    In what is sure
    To
    Die.
    I LOVE YOU LOREN!!!! <3 Stay Alive for me<3
    (email meXD)

    Like

  9. Clara says:

    Wow, Loren. I am officially convinced that one day I’ll be checking the NYT Bestsellers list and I’ll see a book written by you, and I won’t be surprised, because you’re one of the best writers I know, and that includes published authors. I would love to read a book written by you. :)

    -Clara <3

    Like

  10. Jordan says:

    if you want to say you’re a joke, then just know that you’re a beautiful kind of joke, the kind that makes people joyful. if you’re a joke, then you’re the kind that’s like a warm hug, the brightest star of them all, and a wonderfully happy moment all wrapped into one. you’re an amazing galaxy, don’t forget that.

    Like

  11. Rutvi says:

    Ok, so I just read this for the thousandth time, and I think I realized something…email me?

    I’m a cliche in a song, and everybody’s singing along…

    Love you. :) Stay amazing.

    -Rutvi <3

    Like

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