// vices & virtues //

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the love child of last young renegade and dear blue eyes | love notes.

you can listen to panic! at the disco’s vices & virtues album while you read this, if you want.

i wrote this at 3 a.m., so it’s basically just me being really vulnerable!! please don’t use this as blackmail!!

longwood gardens

the ballad of mona lisa | say what you mean, tell me i’m right, and let the sun rain down on me. give me a sign, i want to believe |

i only lied twice: when i said i was ok, and when i said that you had never hurt me.

i wonder if you know that i have nothing left to offer. i cannot give you hope, or an escape, or a smile that says “everything will be alright.” i cannot give you a love worthy of writing songs about.

i need to do something in order to be loved. that is how the world works. i have nothing to give, and i don’t think that i ever did. so why are you still here?

fury sunset

let’s kill tonight | fate will play us out with a song of pure romance |

i have been treated unfairly, and i am allowed to be angry about it. there’s something twisting and winding up in my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and it’s getting tighter, and it’s going to make me explode. i am allowed to sit here while my vision is stained with violent, hazy shades and do nothing about the tightening thing in my chest.

i would like to stand just out of reach and yell about how you put this thing inside me, and how you are acting like it is my fault. i would like to yell about how this is me and i know you hate it and that is why i am becoming someone who only feels in extremes.

the artful dodger

hurricane | hey stranger, i want you to catch me like a cold |

i’ve been having that dream again. the one where you are on the sidewalk beneath the i just love . . . sign, and there is a fog over the world that matches my state of mind. i notice you from across the street, and i tell myself that i will know what to say this time. you see me, with eyes that are brown instead of blue, and that is somehow so much better. you walk away. i feel alone again, so alone. the word love is mocking me.

i am free

memories | oh memories, where’d you go? you’re all i’ve ever known. how i miss yesterday and how i’d let it fade away |

i am awake one morning when the birds are just beginning their this is a new day! song. pieces of light worm their way through the blinds and lie across the sheets; a drip of hope in this suburban tomb. you are suddenly all over my heart. it takes my breath away because i haven’t bloomed any roses in my soul for you in a long time. i had forgotten what this felt like. i can’t say that i’m glad to have remembered.

oh, blue eyes, don’t you see what you’re doing to me? i know i do not love you anymore. i can’t remember setting my heart on you so many years ago, and i can’t remember when i let you go, either. i had managed to forget that you are the definition of the word ethereal. i had forgotten that i was in love with you, and please, i wish i didn’t have to live with these memories.

plant life

trade mistakes | if i ever leave, i could learn to miss you |

you’ve probably forgotten. but believe me when i say that i never will. the room is filled with thick yellow light, the kind that makes you dizzy and only half there. i think i have been crying. i feel sick, like my head is packed with cotton balls, like if i move at all, i will slip away and disappear. i feel disconnected and like i am floating. i guess you were paying attention, because you put your arm around me and let my head rest against you chest.

“i love you,” you said to me.

i have been waiting my entire life to hear those words from you. i hope you can feel my smile against your shirt. i hope you know that you are filling me up with light and joy and the feeling of finally being safe and wanted. after making so many wrong turns in my life, you are the first thing to feel right.

longwood gardens

ready to go (get me out of my mind) | i think i’m ready to leave. i’m ready to live |

this is why i lock the bedroom door at night. i feel something strange at five in the morning. the walls are whispering to me, leave, leave. run away, bird. fly. i think i will listen to them someday.

there used to be a bag in my closet, packed with everything i would need to survive, if the hushed words convinced me that i should go tonight. i was going to be a traveling street musician with a song of lament and the confessions i couldn’t say to you.

longwood gardens

always | it was always you falling for me. now there’s always time, calling for me. i‘m the light blinking at the end of the road. blink back to let me know |

i’m sorry for never saying hello to you. i was sure that if i opened my mouth, the words i love you would escape instead. i came so close to telling you, my friend, every single time that we spoke.

i wish that one of us had been braver back then. what if we had said something when we still had time? you can spend your whole life dreaming and wishing and praying that you could go back and change one thing, one moment, one sentence. maybe if i had said yes instead of no when your friend asked if i liked you. maybe we would have had more time. maybe i am stuck with the future i have made for myself and there is nothing i can do.

downtown library

the calendar | and i meant everything i said that night. i will come back to life, but only for you |

if you’re wondering if i miss you, if i still love you — the answer is yes. it is always yes.

my friends tell me about their dreams, when we’re wrapped in blankets and sleepover-induced joy. they say that you and i get a happy ending. i hope that means traveling the world with you and our cameras. you promised, remember?

it will be a happy ending as long as you’re still here, and not just in my poetry and memories.

longwood gardens

sarah smiles | i really hoped that you would stay, but you left and went your own way, babe. i don’t mind, take your time, i got things to do besides sit around and way wait for you. oh, and i hope you do, too |

there was a summer that i spent trying to forget you. if you aren’t aware, attempting to forget someone ends up with them being on your mind even more. after all those nights i spent convincing myself that there was someone better out there (it was never the truth), after i could almost believe that i was over you, you turned up again and i was back where i started. i am trying to figure out whether your reappearance was a cruel joke or a spot of sunshine before the storm hit.

fairy bouquet

nearly witches (ever since we met . . .) | ever since we’ve met, i’ve got just one regret to live through. and i regret never letting you know | 

sometimes there’s a part of me that wonders if things would be easier if i had never met you. if i hadn’t skipped a grade, if you hadn’t been held back one, i never would have ended up sitting across from you during art and watching you draw. you make amazing art. you are amazing art.

but i don’t regret it. how could i? you are the best i’ve ever never had.

xo

loren

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// feuillemort: the color of a dying leaf //

just some recommendations for autumn.  

music:

halloween // be more chill

it’s almost halloween // panic! at the disco

the real world // owl city

forest // twenty one pilots

overgrown // oh wonder

wolf bite // owl city

isle of flightless birds // twenty one pilots

plant life // owl city

november // sleeping with sirens

trees // twenty one pilots

the first two are the only ones that are really related to the season, the others just give me autumn vibes.

books:

coraline // neil gaiman

always october // bruce coville

on the day i died // candace fleming

may bird trilogy // jodi lynn anderson

lockwood & co. series // jonathan stroud

the black cat // edgar allen poe

the witch of blackbird pond // elizabeth george speare

the lockwood & co. series is one of my favorites. i’m reading the last book in the series right now and my friend has given me hints about what happens. i’m a bit scared.

tv/movies:

coraline

the nightmare before christmas

the corpse bride

frankenweenie

gremlins

over the garden wall (tv series)

lots of tim burton movies. i love them very much and they’re pretty much all i watch around halloween.


have some photography. they all have an orange-y hue.

plant’s shadows are so pretty.

i don’t know what this plant is, but i like it a lot. it looks like it has tiny pumpkins growing all over it.

protip: dried pine needles make great fire starters (they’re also one of my favorite colors).

this is the first year of my life where autumn doesn’t signal the beginning of co-op. sometimes i really hated that place, but i miss it now. i would get up early and stand in the yard to watch the sunrise, frosted grass crunching under my shoes and my breath being illuminated by the first beams of light. my mind would become calm and still to match the quiet earth. i needed those numb moments of silence to get through the day, where i would be caught in a buzz of too-loud voices and bodies moving too quickly for me to concentrate on. i have so many memories of co-op, but the ones that stand out to me the most are the yellow lights and dirty tile floors and sitting on wooden boards in the heat while i spaced out and my friends giggled about boys. i remember feeling dizzy and weightless and slow.

i think i made it sound a little awful, but i miss it. i miss my friends.

autumn is my favorite season for a lot of reasons. some simple ones are the chill in the air, apple cider, orange light, flannels and boots, halloween. but i also love autumn because it is lonely. it is beautiful, but it is dying. vibrantly colored leaves can crumble between your fingers. warm days can melt away into long, shivering nights that get into your bones.

autumn is so, so lonely. autumn is cold. i feel like autumn.

xo

loren

// nanowrimo project | help me //

nanowrimo is next month, and i have given it next to no thought. which shouldn’t be surprising, because we all know that i’m a huge procrastinator. i haven’t even decided if i have enough time and motivation to participate in nano this year, but if i end up doing it, i’ll need to have settled on a story.

here are my ideas:

magic thing with cute witches?? idk.

i’ve been thinking about characters and settings for this one for awhile, so it’s the most fleshed out of my ideas. it was originally going to be my nano project, but there’s not much of a plot and i don’t know if i could write convincingly about magic without making it to much of a cure-all.

-mc is a lil guy named sanjay who is pushed around by his brother

-meets ada (the witch) in a graveyard while playing drunk truth or dare

-ada’s parents are gone, they’re trapped in the magic dimension or something

-sanjay, homeless aromantic magician, guy with white anime hair, and ada and her gf form an unlikely crew to defeat magical monsters and save the missing parents

angst-y teenage aliens

i was procrastinating one day and found myself reading the wikipedia article for the golden record nasa sent into space. you know, the one with pictures of humans and information about our planet and how to locate earth in the solar system, so that any aliens could easily find and enslave/murder us. i was talking to my mom about what a horrible idea that was, and she suggested that i write a story about aliens.

-teen aliens steal a spaceship and go on an intergalactic roadtrip

-they find earth, but instead of killing us, they just want to take selfies and maybe see if we taste good

-rom com in SPACE

-details are spotty, but i want someone to teach them the rock and roll sign

the end is nigh

my mom was telling me about this book called cold mountain, which is the odyssey but in civil war times. and my mind went, “the book of revelations but in modern times!!”

-i’ve read revelations maybe twice and all i remember about it is the seals and dragons and “there will be no more death or mourning or pain.”

-i would try to write a guy mc and make him really freaking terrified, because i’m sick of boy characters who are never scared of anything

-i wouldn’t have to do much plotting. i am sold.


i know i barely explained any of my ideas, but it’s the best i could do at the moment, since i haven’t really planned any of them.

so i just wanted your opinions on this. which one sounds this most interesting to you? of course, the final decision is up to me, but i’m clueless right now and would love some help.

xo

loren

// sketchbook #6 //

i’ve filled forty pages of my sketchbook this year. i think i have too much time on my hands.

i tried using pastels, and this is what i got. she’s  a little out of proportion, but it’s not exactly awful, especially since i haven’t used pastels in years.

i tagged along to one of my mom’s nature journaling club’s meetings, and they were working on fonts (although i don’t see how that counts as nature journaling). this took forever to do, but it was really satisfying when i finished. my favorites are snapdragon, achillea, and clematis.

i drew some photographs i took downtown as polaroids. polaroids are adorable and i would love to get a camera sometime. until then, i’ll just print out my pictures and leave a white border around them.

i have an insane amount of glitter glue, so i did her hair with that instead of markers. it was originally pastel pink, but it dried lighter. it still looks nice, though.

i was very angry (ha, when am i not) one day, and this came out of it.

screen // twenty one pilots

i did this during church a few weeks ago. and yes, i did think gluing a lollipop wrapper into my sketchbook was a good idea. my sunday school teacher was giving them out. also, i drew a boy this time, which is amazing for me because i usually make girls. don’t know why, that’s just how it is for me.

i came up with the idea of drawing people with flowers as heads one night when it was super tired. that’s why it’s a bit weird. my brother told me that it’s “incredibly disturbing,” which is honestly the best compliment about my art that i’ve ever received.

maps // the front bottoms

another church doodle. i tried not to use any curved lines in this, and i think it turned out ok.

i did this for my spanish class. we were supposed to create an imaginary friend and describe them in spansih. this is sabra, she’s a magician and one of the characters in my possible nanowrimo project (i still haven’t decided if i’m going to participate this year).

we had to work on these at school, and the kids at my table kept asking me to help with their drawings. i had to show them how to draw braids and mermaid tails, and one girl even got me to draw the head for her. i almost wish that i were really, really awful at art so i wouldn’t have to hear “yours is so much better than mine!!” all the time.

i think i draw people too much. they’re really the only thing i can draw, and apart from a few things i did in a nature journaling class at co-op, my sketchbook is mostly just people. i’d like to try something else, but when i have paper in front of me, all that comes out is people and sometimes flowers. occasionally people with flowers instead of heads. any suggestions?

i hope you all had a good day. make sure to drink some water and take your meds. :)

xo

loren

// band merch collection //

hey! i thought i’d show you guys all the band merch that i’ve collected over the years. i think i found most of it at hot topic, so if you see something you like, check out their online store.

by the way, i’m not trying to brag or anything like that. i’m just sharing my collection.

behold, my one panic! shirt. it’s a muscle tee (apparently some people call that style “bro tanks.” i’m still laughing about it) and very comfortable.

of course i have tøp merch.

they did a concert nearby at the beginning of the year, and half the people i know went, but i couldn’t. i am still bitter about it. :’)

yep, i still love beanies. they’re so cozy. but this one looks better on my friend n than it does on me, and i’m not ok with that.

ft. my ukulele, which i love very much.

idk if you can tell from the picture, but this is a bag. it’s pretty roomy and it’s got pockets on the inside (!!). a girl complimented me on it when i was at the movie theater with my friends.

i like this one because this shade of blue looks fricken amazing on me.

this one is kind of simple, but it looks great with a flannel, so it’s all good.

i was hunting for pins a few days ago and found this fall out boy one. it’s on my denim jacket now with a few other cute pins.

i’m pretty sure i’ve posted about this jacket before, but whatever. it’s too big on me, and that’s fine because i usually wear oversized clothes anyway.

and here’s the back. :)

i love the colors on this one! the lyrics are from the song runaways. (jealous, rutvi? ;) )

this one is a tank top that i accidentally  stretched out during a 5k this summer (thanks to lots of mud and ice water and cinder blocks ). it looks like the mtv logo and that’s pretty cool.

i ordered this one off amazon, i think. i really want to color it in with sharpies, but i know that i’d mess it up.

i only have one mcr shirt and it’s really a huge problem. my principal, of all people, complimented me on it. i know him from church and he usually says hello to me while i’m walking to class, or he’ll ask how my day was when i’m waiting to be picked up. it’s a little weird, but i’m getting used to it.

i’m thinking about getting oh wonder merch next, or maybe dodie or the front bottoms. i don’t really know. but i just blew most of my money on books (i got seven new ones in one day, help me), so it probably won’t be anytime soon.

i hope you all have a good day!

xo

loren

// 33 questions //

aesthetic space | Tumblr

sorry for the lack of posts. i have ideas but no motivation.

i found this list of questions on pinterest and decided to give it a try.


1) do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend?

not particularly. i’m sure having a partner is nice, but i don’t spend my time wishing i had one. i have friends who love me and that’s enough.

2) when did your last hug take place?

i think it was on sunday, i was trying to annoy n with my affection.

3) are you a jealous person?

sometimes. not in the “i wish i had her looks” kind of way, but “those people look like they really enjoy each others company. i wish i were that close with someone.”

4) are you tired right now?

when am i not tired?

5) do you chew your straws?

yep, always have. i don’t mean to do it. it’s just a habit, i guess. it bothers everyone i know.

6) have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

i’m sure i have. i’m more likely to pull an all-nighter than to get a healthy amount of sleep.

7) do you cry easily?

heck yeah. but not because of things that are supposed to make me cry, usually, like getting hurt or watching a really sad movie. i cry when i’m mad and when i’m tired. or because someone said something nice to me or because the moon is pretty.

8) what should you be doing right now?

a science quiz that i was supposed to do last week. you know, i think i get the most done on my blog when i’m supposed to be doing schoolwork.

9) are you a heavy sleeper?

not really. one time i went to sleep with my earbuds in, and they fell out sometime during the night and got squished under me. they were still playing music softly and that’s what woke me up.

10) do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?

idk. if the person actually enjoys being around me, probably. i’ll update you on this if i ever date someone.

11) are you mad at someone right now?

myself, because i’m bad at painting my nails. my friend izzy, because a few weeks ago she said that my cookies looked gross. my mom, because she thinks public school is a lovely environment. the whole world in general, because i have anger issues.

12) do you believe in love?

yeah. i think platonic love is more important most of the time, but romantic love is nice, too, and definitely real. 

13) what makes you laugh no matter what?

bad puns.

14) who was the last person you talked to?

my mom. she was calling me a smartaleck.

15) do you get butterflies around the person you like?

idk. sometimes my right leg will shake, but that’s not the same thing as butterflies.

16) will you get married?

i hope so. i’m don’t daydream about it, but i would like to get married at some point.

17) when was the last time you smiled?

when i was at the mall this afternoon with my mom. we were looking for pins and patches for my jacket and she found one with a three-eyed cat and the words “not normal.”

18) does anyone like you?

yep, and i like him, too.

19) do you secretly like someone?

it’s not much of a secret anymore.

20) who was the first person you talked to today?

mum. i think she was asking if i’d finished my homework.

21) who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my friend n is pretty nonjudgmental.

22) what are you not looking forward to?

getting my braces off. i got a bracket replaced yesterday, and to get the old one off, the orthodontist used pliers to rip it out and then scraped the glue off my tooth. it hurt a lot.

23) what are you looking forward to?

halloween! my brother and i are going to be dressed as dipper and mabel pines from gravity falls.

24) has anyone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

i hope he meant it.

25) suppose you see your ex kissing another person. what would you do?

1) i don’t have an ex. 2) if i did, who they’re kissing wouldn’t be any of my business.

26) do you plan on moving out within the next year?

nah, i’ll still be a minor. but i’m going to move out as soon as i can. just a few more years to go.

27) are you a forgiving person?

depends on what you mean to me. my friends could hurt me and i’d be the one saying sorry. but if it’s someone i don’t like, they could simply touch my arm and i’d hold a grudge against them for years.

28) how many true friends do you have?

four. that’s enough for me.

29) do you fall for people easily?

nope. i know people who have a new crush weekly, but you’ve got to be someone really amazing that i’ve known for awhile before i could fall for you.

30) have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend? 

still don’t have an ex. and definitely not.

31) what’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

toothbrush.

32) who was the last person you drove with?

mum. we were going to an ahg meeting. 

33) how late did you stay up last night and why? 

12:30-ish, i think? maybe later? and it’s because i’m an insomniac. (although i took some sleep medication and that’s why i fell asleep at midnight instead of 3 a.m.)


i’m thinking about changing my theme. i’ve had this one since i started my blog. i found a theme that i like (suits), and i’m playing around with headers right now. i don’t know for sure that i’m going to change the theme, and if i do, i might change it back after awhile. but i really like the way suits looks.

i hope you all had a good day and i’ll try to post something better soon. 

xo loren