// life has a hopeful undertone //

i. nothing good or bad lasts forever.

ii. you’ve survived everything awful that has ever happened to you. you can survive this, too.

iii. it’s ok if the only person you save is yourself.

iv. God has never made a person he did not love. you are not the exception.

v. sit in the rain and realize that even nature has to cry.

vi. for he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. -psalm 91:11

vii. maybe life won’t get better. but what if it does?

viii. 1. you must let the pain visit. 2. you must allow it to teach you. 3. you must not allow it to overstay. -i.u., three routes to healing

ix. everything you’re feeling is common, even though you’ve never felt so alone. (rhode island // the front bottoms)

x. one day you will wake up and it won’t hurt so much. keep believing that it will be tomorrow.

xi. you will break. but oh, you will also heal. -k.a.

xii. there are people in this world who love you. there’s me, for a start.

xiii. darkness exists to make light truly count. (uneven odds // sleeping at last)

xiv. repeat after me: my current situation is not my final destination.

xv. you are doing your best, no matter what people tell you.

xvi. how rare and beautiful it is to even exist. (saturn // sleeping at last)

xvii. stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

xviii. try to be that sunlight for others.

xix. everything is gonna be alright. be strong. believe. (believe // yellowcard)

xx. it’s ok to stop and lie down and close your eyes if you need to. just make sure to get up again.

xxi. and i will say that we should take a moment and hold it and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone. (migraine // twenty one pilots)

xo

loren

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// even when your hope is gone, move along //

this kind of pain is like riding a bicycle

you have to

keep going

keep going

just to keep the bike upright

you move along so you don’t wobble

so you don’t hit the ground

and get bruised knees

i have to

keep going

keep going

because if i start to slow down

all the cruel whispers will come out

to fill the empty air

the air that is vacant of

busyness

friends

responsibilities

things to keep me distracted

if i don’t keep moving

my thoughts will make me stumble

and i will hit the ground

and get a bruised heart

so

keep going

keep going

*

(in addition)

*

i am so weary of riding my bike

i ache all over

when do i get a rest?

i want to crash into a tree

lying on the asphalt with a spinning head

the only thing i see is the sky

how very far away it is

from rock bottom

i am bleeding but i barely notice

are there any band-aids?

you can cover my wounds with them and put a kiss on top

but the blood is seeping through

and we are out of bandages

 that’s fine

because they’ll turn into scabs eventually, right?

it just takes time

(i am so sick of waiting)

 i will pick at them and make them bleed again

digging up old problems

i just can’t let go

these will take forever to heal

and when they do, they will leave a scar behind

they make sure not to let me forget

how you yelled at me to keep biking

when i had no strength to continue on

so

thanks for nothing


hey, so i wrote more depressing poetry. it’s kind of fun, actually, and relaxing — spilling my guts onto a page at 3 a.m. and then sharing it with strangers online. because you all care so deeply about what goes on in my head, right? (sarcasm.)

this poem is about melancholy and people who don’t understand it. the people who know sadness, but not sadness. the people who don’t believe that you’re actually hurting, or who think that your pain isn’t important because others have it worse.

my poetry kind of sucks, i know. but i feel like it’s important, i guess? not to anyone reading this, of course. because these are just messy words from a messy mind. but it’s important to me, because my abditory, the world i’ve made inside myself, is built out of poetry and snatches of songs and foggy forests and the sound of rain against my window. even though my words won’t have much meaning to you, they mean everything to me. i need to collect them and use them to patch up the walls of my little world, so that it’s always a safe place to hide in when reality gets too sharp.

xo

loren

// i’m just a man, i’m not a hero //

x

may is mental health awareness month, which i actually didn’t know until gracie asked me to write a post about it. i’m supposed to ask two other bloggers to write a post, and i’d like to ask den mother and eva. and i’m supposed to include some helplines. you can search “helplines (name of your country)” if you need help immediately.

so. here’s my post. :)


“my partner has a mental illness,” you sigh, massaging the bridge of your nose.

there’s pity in the other person’s eyes. they place their hand on top of yours. “i’m so sorry. that must exhausting for you,” they murmur.

you nod. “it’s tough. but i love them anyway.”

applause fills the room. confetti is cascading from the ceiling. two women in heels and glitzy dresses prance toward you, carrying a glittering sign: i love someone with a mental illness! it reads. i’m a great person! the women pose with you as cameras flash all around.

hey. guys. you’re not a hero for loving someone with a mental illness.

they’re crying in their room because they don’t know why they’re alive? they can’t go to the store because being around people makes them incredibly nervous? they refuse to eat the dinner you made for them because there’s a voice in their head telling them they don’t deserve it? i guarantee that constantly fighting their mental illness is harder to do than it is for you to love them.

people are not badges. you can’t say that you’ve loved someone of color, someone with a disability, with a mental illness, etc. and get special treatment. you didn’t choose to fall in love with that person, right? it just happened. and your partner didn’t choose to have their mental illness.

if you truly love  that person, it shouldn’t matter that they have a mental illness.

some of my friends have mental illnesses, and it hurts to know that i can’t love their problems away. saying “i love you” will not fix everything. i can’t make their mental illnesses go away. i know that. but i can do my best to help them and i can give them hugs and listen to them and stick  with them when things are bad.

if they have depression, they might look sad and lost a lot of the time. but when they smile, it feels like you just got the greatest gift in the whole freaking world. if they have anxiety, they might ask often if you hate them, or if you actually love them. you can assure them that you love them no matter what. if they have an eating disorder, it might be hard for them to eat anything at all. but when they do eat something, no matter how small it is, you’ll get an incredible rush of pride that they managed to shut off the voice in their head long enough to eat.

the person you love is fighting and they are a hero for staying alive.

xo

loren

// songs for when you want to give up //

songs in bold are explicit.

friend, please // twenty one pilots

the light behind your eyes // my chemical romance

believe // yellowcard

throne // bring me the horizon

johnny boy // twenty one pilots

missing you // all time low

welcome to the black parade // my chemical romance

body bag // beartooth

truce // twenty one pilots

if i’m james dean, you’re audrey hepburn // sleeping with sirens

saturn // sleeping at last

time of dying // three days grace

the kill // thirty seconds to mars

guns for hands // twenty one pilots

famous last words // my chemical romance

cinderblock garden // all time low

lovely // twenty one pilots

save // tyler joseph

“i don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t do this anymore. i give up! i’m done fighting. please let me go. please.

i’m going to ask you to do something for me. think of someone who is important to you. could be a friend, a band member, someone you met online, even someone who you don’t know yet — like your future best friend or the person you’ll marry, if that’s something you want to do. now promise that person that you will stay alive for them.

you don’t want to disappoint that person, do you? so stay alive. keep fighting, no matter how hard it gets. someday, you will be glad that you didn’t give up. someday, you can tell that person that you are alive because of them.

please don’t give up.

i love you.

(is there a song that you think should be on this list? leave the name in the comments.)

xo

loren

Because it matters-let’s make mental illness less invisible

This post by Tara from “Flower in Rainy Day” goes along with the topic of my NaNoWriMo novel. Please read it!

Hello people

This post is very important so please, read it to it’s end and than decide what to do.

It’s been a while since I had idea about helping project. I did it, but it was only a idea and I wasn’t even confident about it, so I am doing it today again, with a lot of more courage. If you don’t believe that you are going to do something, you are never gonna do it, and so my idea just stayed an idea and didn’t become a reality.



  • Anxiety & Panic Disorders
  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Depression
  • Eating Disorders
  • Schizophrenia
  • …..

I have suffered with anxiety. I was having panic attacks, I was feeling very sad and trapped inside myself and I just didn’t know what to do with all the anger and fear I had inside me.

Before this happening to me I didn’t know much about anxiety, depression…

View original post 281 more words

My NaNoWriMo Project

I’m participating in NaNoWriMo again this year (my username on the YWP site is SecretKeeper001), and I’ve been trying to figure out which story to work on (I’ve got loads of ideas). Today, I picked one: I’m going to be writing a novel about a girl with depression.

Why? You see, in my homeschool co-op, I have a class called MAD — Making a Difference. Our assignment these past two weeks was to choose a problem we’re passionate about and come up with a solution. I chose mental illnesses.

After writing down how mental illnesses are problems (mostly how people treat those with illnesses) comes the hard part: solutions. It had to be something doable. I thought, What am I good at that could make a difference? and came up with writing a novel. Yeah, it is doable.

I don’t know entirely what the novel is going to be about, but at least I have a month to figure things out! I’m going to write it from the POVs of a girl with depression and a boy with social anxiety. One chapter would be told by the girl, the next by the boy, and so forth. The boy will be a stranger at the girl’s school who notices her scars.

I’m really excited to write this novel, because if I get it published, I think it could help lots of people realize that mental illnesses are a real problem.

Also, I need some help with this project. Is there anyone who has depression/social anxiety, and is willing to talk to me about it? In order to write a realistic novel, I need to know more about what it’s like to live with depression/social anxiety. If anyone is willing, email me at happyhouseofag@gmail.com, please.

Loren