// november memoir //

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documenting a month through poems and journal snippets and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i have a loft bed. when the lights are out and i’m climbing the ladder, the bunched up blankets take the form of someone curled up under the covers. a monster, something that looks like me, has stolen my spot.

but then i think, perhaps i’m the monster and the girl in the bed is the real loren. i’ve always been sure that i’m the human one, but maybe there’s no way to know.

there’s never anything in the bed, of course.

ii. don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything, but i’d go through hell for you. (going away to college // blink-182)

iii. there is a boy that i’m very fond of. he goes to a church close to my house and sometimes my mom will take me to see him after the service. i haven’t gone in over a month, i guess, even though being near him is all i want.

i have a reason. i was upset at myself, and i thought the best punishment was to stay away from him. and i was right, of course. nothing hurts more than having a chance to see him and saying no. and he won’t read this, but i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.

iv. you were the last good thing about this part of town. (grand theft autumn/where is your boy // fall out boy)

v. i keep having to stop and think about how familiar everything feels. i think it’s the sweatshirts and autumn air and shoes against pavement and the loneliness.

vi. think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. ((headfirst for halos // my chemical romance)

vii. i don’t really talk to myself anymore. i talk to you, in my head. you never answer, of course. so in that way, it’s not very different from talking to you when you’re next to me.

viii. i need you to believe me, can you trust me, that what you see is not what i see? the reflection in the mirror’s telling lies. cause nothing you have done could change how much i love you. (invisible // disciple)

ix. i am too quiet. i am too sad. i am too slow. i am too small. i am too difficult. i am too little or i am too much. i am never enough; i am never just right.

x. if you died i’d hope you’d haunt me, cause you know i’d miss you bad. (i’ll always be around // waterparks)

xi. i am tired and i don’t want to go to school tomorrow and i don’t want to keep thinking about you, but i know i’m going to anyway. i am so tired. i want to cry but there’s nothing there.

xii. shatter your skull, fight pain with more pain. forget who you are, unburden your load. forget in six weeks you’ll be back on the road. (freeze your brain // heathers)

xiii. please don’t leave me completely. you know that would shatter me and all my hopes for the future. i would miss you forever, even if you don’t miss me.

xiv. allow me to exaggerate a memory or two, where summers lasted longer than, well, longer than we do. when nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. but in time we forgot and we all grew. (folkin’ around // panic! at the disco)

xv. this season has been ruined for me. everything that happened in these colder months a year ago are still haunting me. i catch myself staring at calendars and remembering how each day felt like the worst one i had ever survived.

xvi. when you go, just know that i will remember you. if living was the hardest part, we’ll then one day be together. and in the end we’ll fall apart, just like the leaves change in colors. and then i will be with you, i will be there one last time. (it’s not a fashion statement, it’s a deathwish // my chemical romance)

xvii. i read a book where two best friends ran away together. they stayed in a crappy hotel by the ocean and drank and planned their future, listening to the sighing of the waves drifting in through the window. they slept side by side, dreaming together, content with their nearness. i cried for hours after i read it because that is all i want for you and me, and even something so simple is out of reach for us.

xo

loren

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// rainy days are rad days //

« post idea from mason‘s rad blog. songs in bold are explicit. »

21 questions // waterparks

ghost on the dance floor // blink-182

HELP // the front bottoms

whatsername // green day

royal // waterparks

freckles and constellations // dodie

lipstick covered magnet // the front bottoms

disappear // dear evan hansen

bulletproof love // pierce the veil

stupid for you // waterparks

my mood’s dictated by our conversations, and if you don’t text i get too frustrated. i want you all to myself this time. (21 questions)

i’m gonna get on my knees, would you kick me in the face, please? it’ll make whatever i say sound like poetry. (lipstick covered magnet)

i’m color-coding my moods. you’re yellow, i’m natural blue. let’s get together and be green like my insides. (stupid for you)

i’m scared i’m gonna die as lonely as i feel right now. (lipstick covered magnet)

it’s like the universe has left me without a place to go. (ghost on the dance floor)

even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling that the world’s passed you by, you still matter. (disappear)

i fall in love with everything that wants nothing to do with me. (royal)

this isn’t fair! no, don’t you try to blame this on me. my love for you was bulletproof, but you’re the one who shot me. (bulletproof love)

thought i ran into you down on the street. then it turned out to only be a dream. (whatsername)

i saw your ghost tonight, the moment felt so real. if your eyes stay right on mine, my wounds would start to heal. (ghost on the dance floor)

i’ll be your new favorite tune, i’ll be your black cloud by june, but only when you miss the rain like i miss you. (stupid for you)

i’ll forget you if you need me to, like nothing ever happened. my sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened. (21 questions)

two of my favorite things to photograph are my friends when they are in love with life, and the way the world looks when the sky has cried on it.

i think i’m just going to talk now, so if that doesn’t interest you, you can leave.

school has started for me (which means having at least one mental breakdown a day). i’ve only been at public school four times so far and i have already witnessed lots of drama and become known as “that odd homeschool kid who can pronounce spanish words really well and guYS, LOOK, SHE CAN DRAW!! PLEASE DRAW ME!!” pal, i will draw you six feet under if you keep doing this.

i have a book of some of edgar allan poe’s work. i like it quite a lot, although it’s pretty disturbing. i’ve read the tell-tale heart, the cask of amontillado, the raven, the black cat, and the masque of the red death. speaking of books, i have a goodreads account now!! so that’s cool. you can follow me on there, if you’d like.

i got contacts today!! i can see leaves and all the wrinkles on my mom’s forehead!! i’ve been singing a whole new world in my head all day. i also got some free sunglasses. they’re dark enough that i can stare at people in public, but they won’t know because my eyes aren’t visible. if you’re a stalker, you need to get some of those shades. take it from an expert.

i hope you enjoy looking at pictures of flowers and wet things, because that’s pretty much all this post is. sorry about that. have a good day, my friends. :)

xo

loren

// swimming hole ft. a girl with mossy rock eyes //

salutations. :) my mom took den mother and me to neat swimming hole on thursday. i brought my camera, of course. here are the pictures, in a more or less random order.

there’s something sad and lovely about dying flowers.

butterfly fren. :)

there was a rope swing, and you had to climb up the face of the rocks to reach it. i was too short to grab ahold of the rope, so we had to find a stick for me to use as an arm extension. what we really needed was a tall person to use as a ladder.

my mom thinks that the rocks at the swimming hole look like animals. she found one last year that has an uncanny resemblance to a trout. b and i poked around for a bit and found this one, who is apparently a giraffe. his name is jeffrey the giraffe and he is the love of my life.

my name’s blurryface and i care what you think.

we were trying to be artsy and it totally failed. we should just stick to being losers.

skipping stones.

this is a rock and his name is gloria.

i tried to find a rock that matched her eyes.

we were having a competition to see who could make the biggest splash with a rock. i was planning on cheating and throwing her in.

she was writing a love note in the dirt. :)

the sun made tiger stripes on the rocks.

we were trying to cross one spot of the river, and we came up with some creative ways of doing it. originally, the plan was to stand on a large piece of bark and paddle/pull ourselves across with a stick. then we tried making a bridge. finally, b offered to give me a piggyback ride so i wouldn’t have to get my feet wet (yes, i’m aware that i’m a loser). it was only when we were crossing the river the second time that we realized we could both just walk across.

the sun was shining the entire drive to the swimming hole, but once we got there, a bunch of clouds popped up out of nowhere. waiting for the sun to come back out, we wandered around and photographed the wildflowers. once it had warmed up a little, we got into the swimming hole, which was absolutely f r e e z i n g. we found a couple of warm spots and huddled there until the current moved them elsewhere. we were comparing “tans” (which is in quotation marks because we are both extremely pale), and my shinguard tan is amazingly striking when underwater. my thighs are kind of tan, but everything below that is incredibly freaking white. shinguard tans are probably the worst thing about soccer. and we did this race, where instead of swimming or running, we bounced along the river on our butts.

we are not the most mature people.

i had seen pictures of the rope swing online, and that’s how i knew it was there. the swimming hole was kind of shallow that day, so jumping into it on a fraying rope tied to a dead branch was probably not the smartest thing i could have done, but i’m an idiot, so i did it anyway.

i didn’t wear a bathing suit (another brilliant idea, loren!), so even after we had been out of the water for awhile, i was still damp and shivering. while i was looking through the pictures b took of me, i realized that a) my lips were nearly blue, and b) i look like gollum when my hair is wet.

my mom set up a picnic (because she’s a genius), and i got some very  interesting pictures of b kissing a skittles bag. i might post them some time, but she has a lot of blackmail on me, so that might not be the safest thing to do with said pictures. but i definitely won’t delete them. :)

after we ate, b gave me a piggyback ride across the river, where we tried to skip stones and complained about the lack of tall people. really, though, most of my friends are scarcely more than five feet. it would be funny if i weren’t 5’2″ myself.

i’d love to go back to the swimming hole sometime, preferably when it’s hotter, so i don’t spend the whole time freezing. i need to remember to pack a tall person next time, so they can reach the rope swing for me.


a not-very-funny joke told many times that day:

b: why is it so cold here?!

me: because of your heart.


xo

loren

// it’s called ukulele screamo and it’s art //

because you’re clearly not a real twenty one pilots fan until you post pictures of your ukulele on your blog.

and, yes, i did pick wildflowers and cover the ukulele with them just for these photos.

i can’t even play the ukulele. yet. i’m trying to figure it out, but i’m not very good at playing instruments. i get frustrated too easily. but i’m going to try to learn it over the summer, since i don’t have much else to do. i want to be able to play the only exception by paramore, stomache tied in knots by sleeping with sirens, and can’t help falling in love (a song that has grown to mean the world to me. thanks, n.).

i’ve been playing it for a little bit each day, and my fingers already hurt like heck. i don’t know how people who play string instruments exist. they have too much endurance for one person. i know that i’ll get calluses on my fingertips if i play enough, but it hurts right now and i am in so much pain. (i’m being a little bit dramatic, but that’s just how i keep my life from being incredibly boring. also, i’ve been in one play and two musicals, so that gives me the right to be dramatic, yeah? i’m being sarcastic, by the way.)

i’m just going to talk about my awful music teachers now.

mrs. t

so. i always wanted to play the flute. and one year, my mom decided that my brother and i should learn to play an instrument, as part of our school. i, of course, chose flute, and my brother picked drums. we found an old homeschool mom who knew how to play pretty much every instrument invented, and we took lessons from her once a week. her name was mrs. t. this was a  m i s t a k e, let me tell you.

when we arrived at her house for the first time, her two sons were playing basketball in the driveway. there was a dilapidated playhouse which was being claimed by the wild. we went into her house, and there was this really distinct and overwhelming smell. it was kind of like homemade spaghetti sauce with way too many fresh herbs in it. mrs. t was a plump lady with white hair that looked like a bunch of cotton balls glued to her head, and she had this slightly evil, strained smile. the only good thing was that she had lots of cats, and they would walk into the room while i took my music lesson and lay on the sheet music.

my brother’s lesson was first, so my mom and i spread out a blanket in the shade and did school until it was my turn. it was nearly impossible to focus, though, because of the racket my brother was making. he was pretty awful, honestly — hesitant taps, unsteady rhythm, etc. the worst part was that he thought he was really good, because he finished his book of sheet music way before i finished mine. but he didn’t need to learn notes and fingering and how to breathe properly.

anyway, my first lesson was incredibly awkward. i barely talked at all, because i hated how her house smelled and i didn’t want to breathe it in if i could help it. well, breathing is kind of important when playing a wind instrument, i’m not sure if you guys knew that.

mrs. t spent the first lesson teaching me how to put the flute together, how to clean and hold it, and how to get a crisp sound to come out of it. the flute smelled like my grandma’s nasty little schnauzer dog, by the way.

i realized a few things after that first lesson: flute is a lot harder than it looks, i would never be able to eat homemade spaghetti sauce again, and i really did not like mrs. t.

my mom made us stick with our instruments of choice for a year. by the time i got to quit flute lessons, the most impressive thing i could play was two lines of camptown races. i was very happy to quit, and although i still have my flute, i have barely touched it since then.

mrs. u

the two other music teachers i can remember were both from my co-op: mrs. u and mrs. c. mrs. u wasn’t a bad teacher, just a little too enthusiastic. she directed the musical that our co-op performed every other year, and i got the main role the first year i was old enough to audition. i played zoe (originally zach), the star of the basketball team who twisted her ankle before the big game. i had a fair amount of lines (snarky responses to other characters), but i mostly just got to sit there and look annoyed while everyone sang at me (i remember mckenna dancing around with a bible and basically telling me to change my attitude). the only song i got to sing in was the last one, after i had had a change of heart or whatever, and to this day, i will start singing it whenever someone says “everyday.”

mrs. c

mrs. c was a different story, though. she wrote the musical herself, and i don’t want to say that it was bad, but . . . i could have written a much better one. pup was one of the main characters for that musical. i was only part of the first act, so the practices were really quite boring for me. the only good things about that musical were that i got to laugh a lot with q and n during the practices, even though we got in trouble for it a few times. i also got to see n in a lot of dark eyeliner, which still stands as one of the most amusing things i’ve ever witnessed. i have lots more to say about this . . . slightly lacking musical, but that would be enough for a whole other post. i could write that, if you guys would be interested.

so, that pretty much sums up my experience with music classes. for someone who listens to music so much, it’s probably a bit surprising that i can’t play anything very well. hopefully i can become a little more than “absolute trash, seriously, why are you even trying” when it comes to ukulele.

i want to know about your awful teachers, because i’m sort of a bad person, i guess. so go ahead and rant about them in the comments, i won’t mind. 

xo

loren

// i’m not okay (i promise) //

i just don’t wanna be

so many things

and now that i see

i just wanna sing

i just wanna breathe

i just wanna fly

i just wanna close m y  e y e s

and take in the sun

and take in the air

i just wanna run

and murder my care

i wanna believe that i will be free  e l s e w h e r e

time to say goodbye // twenty one pilots (cover)

it rained and rained and rained yesterday. i rather like when it rains, though. it means i’m not crying alone.

i’d like to try writing poetry. i keep reading poems online, and they give me such a calm feeling, and it amazes me how even a short poem can stir up so many emotions. i don’t really know how to go about writing poetry, as the only ones i’ve ever written have been along the lines of, “if it can fly, it should die.” any tips would be greatly appreciated. it doesn’t matter how simple you think the tip is. i’m quite clueless and would like all the help i can get.

xo

loren

p.s. this is my 300th post. that’s kind of cool, i guess.

// sketchbook #3 //

flowers from a patch of wildflowers in our garden (i’ll post pictures of that soon), and the lyrics of would you be so kind by dodie. my hand hurt a lot by the time i finished this.

i drew this one right after i heard the song drugs & candy, from all time low’s new album.

lyrics from last young renegade by all time low, plus a weird bullet journal sort of thing.

“alternatives to self-harm: snap a rubber band on your arm. hold an ice cube. draw on yourself. make a playlist. tear up paper. break sticks. paint your arms red. take a hot shower. youtube funny videos. hug a pillow. call a friend. write out the lyrics of a favorite song. play with something squishy. go for a run. google ‘the butterfly project.’ pull weeds. say ‘this feeling will pass.'”

lyrics from kids in the dark by all time low, and a list of alternatives for anyone who needs it. :) (can you tell i really like all time low?)

 

i can’t draw eyes or eyelashes, but . . . i made this thing! it was rather fun! i used lyrics from when the day met the night by panic! at the disco. (although it should have been “all was golden when the day met the night” — “in the sky” wasn’t supposed to be there, but oh well.)

“it feels like it should still be that day in seventh grade when i realized you mean the world to me. nothing feels real without you. i forget how to breathe from time to time when you’re next to me, and it helps me to understand that i am alive. how do you make my heart beat so quickly, when i don’t want it to beat at all? // june 8th, 2017”

???

i used watercolor.

cute girl with weirdly long arms + lyrics from ultralife by oh wonder.

 idk what this is. i just slapped some flowers on the page and doodled around them.

in case you can’t tell, i like using song lyrics in my art. when i don’t know what to draw, i’ll put my music on shuffle, pick a lyric i like from the first song that comes on, and base my art off that. it’s a pretty good to way to fend off artist’s block.

xo

loren