// vices & virtues //

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the love child of last young renegade and dear blue eyes | love notes.

you can listen to panic! at the disco’s vices & virtues album while you read this, if you want.

i wrote this at 3 a.m., so it’s basically just me being really vulnerable!! please don’t use this as blackmail!!

longwood gardens

the ballad of mona lisa | say what you mean, tell me i’m right, and let the sun rain down on me. give me a sign, i want to believe |

i only lied twice: when i said i was ok, and when i said that you had never hurt me.

i wonder if you know that i have nothing left to offer. i cannot give you hope, or an escape, or a smile that says “everything will be alright.” i cannot give you a love worthy of writing songs about.

i need to do something in order to be loved. that is how the world works. i have nothing to give, and i don’t think that i ever did. so why are you still here?

fury sunset

let’s kill tonight | fate will play us out with a song of pure romance |

i have been treated unfairly, and i am allowed to be angry about it. there’s something twisting and winding up in my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and it’s getting tighter, and it’s going to make me explode. i am allowed to sit here while my vision is stained with violent, hazy shades and do nothing about the tightening thing in my chest.

i would like to stand just out of reach and yell about how you put this thing inside me, and how you are acting like it is my fault. i would like to yell about how this is me and i know you hate it and that is why i am becoming someone who only feels in extremes.

the artful dodger

hurricane | hey stranger, i want you to catch me like a cold |

i’ve been having that dream again. the one where you are on the sidewalk beneath the i just love . . . sign, and there is a fog over the world that matches my state of mind. i notice you from across the street, and i tell myself that i will know what to say this time. you see me, with eyes that are brown instead of blue, and that is somehow so much better. you walk away. i feel alone again, so alone. the word love is mocking me.

i am free

memories | oh memories, where’d you go? you’re all i’ve ever known. how i miss yesterday and how i’d let it fade away |

i am awake one morning when the birds are just beginning their this is a new day! song. pieces of light worm their way through the blinds and lie across the sheets; a drip of hope in this suburban tomb. you are suddenly all over my heart. it takes my breath away because i haven’t bloomed any roses in my soul for you in a long time. i had forgotten what this felt like. i can’t say that i’m glad to have remembered.

oh, blue eyes, don’t you see what you’re doing to me? i know i do not love you anymore. i can’t remember setting my heart on you so many years ago, and i can’t remember when i let you go, either. i had managed to forget that you are the definition of the word ethereal. i had forgotten that i was in love with you, and please, i wish i didn’t have to live with these memories.

plant life

trade mistakes | if i ever leave, i could learn to miss you |

you’ve probably forgotten. but believe me when i say that i never will. the room is filled with thick yellow light, the kind that makes you dizzy and only half there. i think i have been crying. i feel sick, like my head is packed with cotton balls, like if i move at all, i will slip away and disappear. i feel disconnected and like i am floating. i guess you were paying attention, because you put your arm around me and let my head rest against you chest.

“i love you,” you said to me.

i have been waiting my entire life to hear those words from you. i hope you can feel my smile against your shirt. i hope you know that you are filling me up with light and joy and the feeling of finally being safe and wanted. after making so many wrong turns in my life, you are the first thing to feel right.

longwood gardens

ready to go (get me out of my mind) | i think i’m ready to leave. i’m ready to live |

this is why i lock the bedroom door at night. i feel something strange at five in the morning. the walls are whispering to me, leave, leave. run away, bird. fly. i think i will listen to them someday.

there used to be a bag in my closet, packed with everything i would need to survive, if the hushed words convinced me that i should go tonight. i was going to be a traveling street musician with a song of lament and the confessions i couldn’t say to you.

longwood gardens

always | it was always you falling for me. now there’s always time, calling for me. i‘m the light blinking at the end of the road. blink back to let me know |

i’m sorry for never saying hello to you. i was sure that if i opened my mouth, the words i love you would escape instead. i came so close to telling you, my friend, every single time that we spoke.

i wish that one of us had been braver back then. what if we had said something when we still had time? you can spend your whole life dreaming and wishing and praying that you could go back and change one thing, one moment, one sentence. maybe if i had said yes instead of no when your friend asked if i liked you. maybe we would have had more time. maybe i am stuck with the future i have made for myself and there is nothing i can do.

downtown library

the calendar | and i meant everything i said that night. i will come back to life, but only for you |

if you’re wondering if i miss you, if i still love you — the answer is yes. it is always yes.

my friends tell me about their dreams, when we’re wrapped in blankets and sleepover-induced joy. they say that you and i get a happy ending. i hope that means traveling the world with you and our cameras. you promised, remember?

it will be a happy ending as long as you’re still here, and not just in my poetry and memories.

longwood gardens

sarah smiles | i really hoped that you would stay, but you left and went your own way, babe. i don’t mind, take your time, i got things to do besides sit around and way wait for you. oh, and i hope you do, too |

there was a summer that i spent trying to forget you. if you aren’t aware, attempting to forget someone ends up with them being on your mind even more. after all those nights i spent convincing myself that there was someone better out there (it was never the truth), after i could almost believe that i was over you, you turned up again and i was back where i started. i am trying to figure out whether your reappearance was a cruel joke or a spot of sunshine before the storm hit.

fairy bouquet

nearly witches (ever since we met . . .) | ever since we’ve met, i’ve got just one regret to live through. and i regret never letting you know | 

sometimes there’s a part of me that wonders if things would be easier if i had never met you. if i hadn’t skipped a grade, if you hadn’t been held back one, i never would have ended up sitting across from you during art and watching you draw. you make amazing art. you are amazing art.

but i don’t regret it. how could i? you are the best i’ve ever never had.

xo

loren

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// today was not too bad //

you are my peach, you are my plum. you are my earth, you are my sun.

(peach // the front bottoms)

« post idea from mason‘s rad blog »

songs in bold are explicit.

lazy bones // green day

feeling this // blink-182

rainbow connection // sleeping at last (cover)

hum hallelujah // fall out boy

peach // the front bottoms

after midnight // blink-182

miserable at best // mayday parade

troublemaker // green day

hey i’m sorry // blink-182

LISTEN TO PEACH, IT’S SO CUTE. PLEASE JUST DO IT.

i went on a five mile bike ride this morning with my mom. there were lots and lots of corn fields and hills. but there were also lots of wildflowers, like queen anne’s lace, daisies, and chicory. however, i did forget to use deodorant, and my shirt was literally soaked with sweat, so that was fun. don’t use me as a role model, kids.

x

does anyone else get intrusive thoughts? like, “eat that WHOLE tube of toothpaste,” or “impale yourself on that FRICKEN S T I C K.” because my brain was supplying some of those while i was biking.

my mind: you should swerve in front of this lovely car!! it’ll be fun!!

me: dude, what??

my mind: SWERVE TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT, TAKE IT BACK NOW YA’LL.

me: *screaming*

x

i have been really into blink-182 lately — probably thanks to how many times i listened to the california album while i was on vacation. (some of my favorite songs are misery, long lost feeling, after midnight, down, i miss you, and adam’s song.) anyway, i was looking at band merch at hot topic, and i found this sweatshirt. “genuine crappy punk rock” — i really should not find it funny, but i do. so i bought it and my band merch collection is expanding.

blink-182, according to my mom: “you mean that one band that filmed a video naked?” aye, cheers, mum, that’s the one.

Image result for green day mask

x

apparently you can buy masks of the green day members?? how rad and slightly creepy are these things? can we get them, n? you can have the tré cool one, since you need a bit of help in the cool area. ;D heh heh heh, making fun of friends is great.

i’ve been having fun annoying my family today with my expert ukulele skills (sarcasm). i’ve been playing one part from feeling this // blink-182 over and over again:

fate fell short this time
your smile fades in the summer
place your hand in mine
i’ll leave when i wanna

i have a legend of zelda shirt. fiGHT ME.

it has been confirmed that the best way to play ukulele while standing up is to pretend you are a flamingo, like so. (this picture was not easy to take because i kept hopping around and falling over. a round of applause for my mum, who deals with my peanut butter on a daily basis [i don’t think anyone is going to understand that, but it was funny, trust me].)

i’m bitter, so i drew a picture of me being replaced. r.i.p. 

i also made up a song about pup, which goes like this:

my baby girl is all grown up
she’s off to college
with her ugly boyfriend
his name is p-v-r
peak valley ridge
steals the girls’ hearts
and took my love away from me

(she’s not actually going to college just yet. we’re not that old.)

i think this blog started off as a writing/photography/books/the occasional weird rant blog, but now it has turned into a place for crying about music, mediocre art, the rare aesthetic photo, and basically a guide for how to become friends with the void. but it seems to still be attracting followers, so either it’s not as bad as i think, or you guys just like dumb stuff. probably the latter.

i stayed up until after 4:30 last night, which was fun, i guess? you’d think that i would have been so tired from my last all-nighter that i would have been able to sleep. but my body and mind frequently turn against me, and that’s how things like this happen. :) i started reading a book called the unlikely adventures of mabel jones by will mabbitt, which my friend izzy suggested to me. it starts with a girl getting kidnapped by a loris because she opened a portal into our world by picking her nose and eating it. maybe i only think it’s super weird because of how late it was, but i honestly can’t be sure.

i remember that one time in cultures class, n used “i pulled an all-nighter” as an excuse for getting all the questions wrong (clever, but cheap, my friend). our teachers were pretty chill, though, so they let it go. i’m not kidding, they were fifteen minutes late to their own class on the first day because they had gone to chick-fil-a while dressed up as old ladies.

 in february — it was the weekend of valentine’s day, i believe — i went to a camp in the mountains with n and his church’s youth group. the lodge felt really familiar, and i was sure i had been there before, but i couldn’t quite remember when. then i found some pictures of when i went there with the co-op.

i must have been about five or six and i was kicking butt on the climbing wall. :)

the kid in the green is n!! he’s so tiny. :D and the other small child is q. i love those losers.

HAVE A NICE EVENING. MAKE SURE TO DRINK YOUR CHOCOLATE MILK AND KISS YOU MOTHER AND CRUSH GENDER ROLES.

xo

loren

// sketchbook //

i’ve been drawing a lot lately. it helps me calm down and stop stressing about everything for a bit. and having a finished drawing is pretty satisfying.

i wanted to share a few drawings with you guys. i’m not that good of an artist, and my attempts at people are especially disappointing. so don’t expect anything good from me.

comic with lyrics from i miss you by blink-182.

 buttercups found at my church, and lyrics from dental care by owl city.

inspired by art by vivian, with a quote from gravity falls.

pastel hipster girl or whatever.

bad drawing of N, which doesn’t look like him at all. i’m still trying to figure out how to draw faces.

idk.

xo

loren