// december memoir //

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. another year of loving something just out of reach. you are a ghost of a kiss.

it hurts that you are replacing me and i have no one to take your spot. i am tired of missing you and not being able to do anything about it.

ii. i wish i didn’t really kiss the mirror when i’m on my own. oh god, i’m gonna die alone. (teen idle // marina and the diamonds)

iii. i haven’t been this angry in a long time. i know that she is just trying to help, and that i am being completely unreasonable. but, god, she is ignorant and i want to break things.

i don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it. (a little less sixteen candles, a little more “touch me” // fall out boy)

v. i ran across the city to get to you. cold air, street lamps, heavy breaths, tight chest, shoes pounding against concrete. with every step, i thought, i am getting closer to my future or closer to heartbreak. but i missed you. and i sprinted through the crowded sidewalks again before missing you a second time.

vi. i’d promise you anything for another shot at life. (disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy)

vii. i had a dream where we danced together as it snowed. i have been smiling all day.

i just want to dance with you. i’ve never learned how and i don’t think you have, either, but it doesn’t matter. i want to hold your hands and sway and spin and have you fall in love with me again.

can we try? i don’t care if your palms sweat or if you step on my feet or if the music is bad. just dance with me, please.

viii. and i’ve been talking to God, asking for just a little help with you, but it’s hopeless. it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in. tell your new friends that they don’t know you like i do. it’s over. i wanna see you again, i wanna feel it again. (oh well, oh well // mayday parade)

ix. i am at a party with sweets in my hands, smiling with my friends, and something goes wrong. suddenly everyone is staring at me and expecting the right words from my mouth and the world is caving in, and i can run and cover my ears, but i can still hear the laughter.

x. one track mind, one track heart. if i fail, i’ll fall apart. maybe it is all a test, cause i feel like i’m the worst so i always act like i’m the best. (oh no! // marina and the diamonds)

xi. anger, even when it’s not directed at me, makes me hate myself. maybe anger is contagious. maybe one person’s cruelty sparks it in others until everyone’s fists are raised and tears feel like acid on your cheeks. if you could just say you’re sorry — would that be so hard? — i could lower my hands and leave you without guilt tucked into my suitcase.

xii. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize that two out of three ain’t bad. (i’m like a lawyer with the way i’m always trying to get you off (me & you) // fall out boy)

 

xiii. i am afraid i will not go to heaven. i have been told so many times that i do not deserve it.

xiv. mama who bore me, mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad. mama, the weeping. mama, the angels. no sleep in heaven, or bethlehem. (mama who bore me (reprise) // spring awakening)

xv. i woke up before dawn and ran outside in my pajamas to watch the sunrise. water dripped down my forehead  and the sky was pink and orange and i was freezing. it was beautiful and you never realize just how little you matter until you are huddled under a watercolor sunrise.

xvi. i’m just a moment, so don’t let me pass you by. we could be a story in the morning, but we’ll be a legend tonight. (outlines // all time low)

xvii. life goes on. life goes on, even when you don’t want it to, when you want to pause it and live in that moment because things are good.

things were not good, but i had you and a dream of leaving, and that made them good. i do not want life to go on if you are not in it. i want to live in a moment when you are still here.

xviii. best friends, ex-friends to the end. better off as lovers and not the other way around. (bang the doldrums // fall out boy)

xix. my friends and i cuddled on the fold-out bed in the basement that creaks when you move and pokes you with its springs in the most tender spots. we were laughing, hands intertwined, radiating warmth and lazy joy. i said that i could never be the one to end things because i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of breaking someone’s heart, and they agreed.

i didn’t know that you were thinking of ways to say goodbye. i wonder if it would have made a difference if you’d been able to hear us sift through our memories and remember how things began. i am both angry and relieved that you do not seem to bear the same guilt that i do, and i don’t know how that can be.

xx. i would’ve married you in vegas, had you given me the chance to say “i do.” (vegas // all time low)

xxi. i said that 2016 was the worst year of my life, because i lost you for the first time and nothing had ever hurt more. now i am saying that 2017 was the worst, because i lost you again and it hurt more than before, more than i imagined anything could hurt. today, it is 2018, and i am afraid that it will be the worst year of my life, because i think i am going to lose you again, permanently. maybe i will recover from this, but not if you are gone forever.

xxii. i came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright. but i’m sure you’ll take his hand, i hope he’s better than i ever could have been. my mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions i couldn’t say. pain is never permanent but tonight it’s killing me. (december // neck deep)

xo

loren

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// christmas playlist + memes //

hello, friends! christmas always sneaks up on me, and this year is no exception. it’s in sixteen days and i’m not feeling very festive, and i haven’t finished shopping for gifts, either. i know what i’m getting everyone, but apparently you need money to buy stuff? who knew. luckily for me, i just got $50 from my grandpa, so that should help.

(also!! it’s snowing right now!! i’ll try to share photos of it and some more christmas-themed posts over the next two weeks.)

i’m a bit sick of traditional christmas carols, so i made a playlist for myself of (mostly) pop punk holiday songs. ones in bold are explicit. enjoy. :)

christmas playlist:

humbug // owl city

kiss me babe, it’s christmas time // owl city

all i want for christmas is you (cover) // my chemical romance

fool’s holiday // all time low

christmas lights (cover) // yellowcard

ho ho hopefully // the maine

peppermint winter // owl city

christmas on the road // sleeping with sirens

oh ms believer // twenty one pilots

the christmas song // owl city

smile at snow // dodie

white christmas (cover) // panic! at the disco

what’s this? (cover) // fall out boy

xmas time of year // green day

christmas collection album // sleeping at last

west coast christmas // anarbor

mini anti-christmas playlist:

xmas sux // frank iero and the patience

merry christmas, kiss my a** // all time low

i won’t be home for christmas // blink-182

yule shoot your eyes out // fall out boy


my friend b came over last month and helped decorate the christmas tree. neither of us can keep our hands off the camera, which means we got a lot of crappy pictures of each other. she suggested that we make memes out of the photos, which was a lot more fun than it should have been. so here are a few really awful christmas memes for your enjoyment (we made more, but they used pictures of me, so i guess you don’t get to see those).

meme4yes, they’re horrible, we know.

merry christmas!!

xo

loren

How to Make the Perfect Cup of Hot Cocoa

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So you think you can make a mean cup of hot cocoa, huh? Well, mortal, I assure you that you do not. However, I possess this ancient skill, and am willing to share my knowledge with you.

I am a professional cook so I definitely know what I’m doing.

Warning: this recipe may blow your mind. Proceed with caution.

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First, go to the cupboard and find the biggest mug you own. Above, you see the incredible cup I like to drink butterbeer from.

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Actually, that may be a bit too big. You’d probably get a relentless stomachache from drinking all that cocoa. Pick the second-largest mug.

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Raid your cabinets (and possibly your neighbors’, too) to gather the supplies: milk, fresh from the cow’s udder; sugar as pure as my heart; cocoa as dark as some actress’s hair; vanilla that smells like the sweet tears of Jesus; and salt (idk why, just roll with it).

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Don’t forget your tools of mass destruction! I mean, um . . . your tools of mass delight-inducing-ness. A whisk and tablespoon.

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Empty the entire milk carton into your mug. If it’s actually your second-largest cup, there should be a pocket dimension inside of it, so you don’t have to worry about it spilling.

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MICROWAVE IT FOR ONE HOUR.

One minute works, too.

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Add two tablespoons of cocoa to the steaming cup of milk. You could use the normal “Natural Unsweetened” kind (if you like being boring), or you could use “SPECIAL DARK COCOA,” aka the best kind. Or, idk, use both.

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Combine all the ingredients in your mug. A dash of salt, a splash of vanilla, and five cups two tablespoons of sugar.

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Take your weapon of mass destruction and whip that thing into a frothy goodness.

Taste, decided to add more sugar, and end up using those five cups I mentioned earlier.

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And now, the most important part.

♥ ♥ ♥ Toppings ♥ ♥ ♥

Dump an entire bag of marshmallows into it because sugar is really, really good for you.

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Put on a butt-load of whipped cream and shower with sprinkles. Then add a bendy straw because you are classy.

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Skip away with your cocoa and leave the mess for someone else.

But you can’t forget the most important step! After slurping down the cocoa in .16 minutes, crawl into your bedroom, lay on your bed, turn on the fan, and be miserable because you now have a horrific stomachache.

And that is how you make the perfect cup of hot cocoa.

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ERMAHGERDNESS, SNOOOOW

Snow, how’s your day going?

(I’m sorry, that was wrong. I’ll go to my room and think about what I’ve done.)

Terrible and rather unoriginal puns aside, it snowed a few weeks ago! I was up early because I had co-op that day, and I was able to get a few pictures of the snow before my ride came.

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BUH-BYE.

What’s your favorite season? Mine is either autumn or winter.

Loren

Finally, Some Snow!

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It snowed today! Granted, there was only a couple of flurries, but it’s still snow, right? But . . . the snow has already melted . . . *sigh*

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Luckily, I managed to get a few pictures before all of the snow melted!

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Sorry there aren’t more pictures — the five I included were the only ones that didn’t have a ton of harsh sunlight in them.

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On another note, I finished making buttons for all of the CWWC teams! You can find them all here: https://blueeyesgrayeyes.wordpress.com/2015/12/31/announcing-the-winners-of-cwwc/

Has it snowed recently where you live?

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I lost a tooth last night! :D It’s pretty weird that there’s a gap in my teeth again — I haven’t lost a tooth for awhile. It was already pretty loose, so I just pulled it out. I’m not gonna lie: there was a lot of blood.

Winter Poetry

Hey, guys!

I’m in this group called American Heritage Girls, a Christian scouting organization. My troop recently had an award ceremony (I got five badges, two fun patches, and two service stars!), and I decided to show you all some of the work I had to do to get the badges. We’ll start with the Creative Writing badge.

I absolutely love writing, but the Creative Writing badge took forever to complete. Seriously, I finished it on the same day as the award ceremony! The requirements just weren’t fun.

Anyway, today I’ll be sharing the poetry I had to write. I had to write three poems, all different styles, about the same subject. I picked winter as my topic, because I l-o-v-e winter and there’s lots of material in that season to write poetry from.

I’m not a poet and I’m definitely not very good at it, so that’s why the lines are all different lengths and stuff. *deep breath* Here we go!

The first one is an acrostic poem. btw, none of my poems have titles.

Warm, cozy fires, embers aglow.

Icy wind, a frost giant’s breath.

Nighttime, snow drifting past stars.

Treats abound, cookies to candy canes.

Escapists delight upon receiving new books.

Remember the excitement of Christmas Eve.

*****

The second one is a rhyming sequence poem.

On Monday, the skies let loose buckets of snow.

            The sun glinting upon it made it seem to glow.

Tuesday’s harsh sunlight caused the snow to melt.

            We stayed inside and made scarves out of felt.

On Wednesday morning, fog descended to the ground.

            Snuggled under blankets, I slept safe and sound.

Thursday’s light snowfall looked like dusting a cake,

            which reminded me that I had cookies to bake.

On Friday the rain made the day last forever.

I helped Father fix the wooden nutcracker’s broken lever.

Saturday’s wind was dreadfully cold.

            Bundled in layers, I stepped out the door, being very bold.

On Sunday the cold froze over the pond.

            We went down to skate, and I lost my fleece hat, of which I was quite fond.

*****

The last one is in the clerihew style — a silly four-line poem about a person.

The White Witch

drove her sleigh into a ditch.

The wheels froze from her anger

and she turned her horses into coat hangers!

*****

I hope you enjoyed reading my poetry, even if it was really bad. Poetry is not my strong point :/

~Loren