// moving sites | please read //

hey. i have news, good and bad.

here’s the bad: i won’t be blogging here anymore. 

don’t worry, i’m not leaving the blogosphere, and i won’t be deleting my site. but i feel like let’s be lost doesn’t really fit me anymore, i guess. it’s been around for about two and a half years, and i don’t like having posts from when i was a lot younger on here. they’re painful for me to think about, both because of the quality and the memories in them.

but here’s the good: i have a new blog. 

it’s called killjoy and you can find it here. i’d really appreciate it if you all would check it out and follow. it’s a personal blog, just like this one, so you can expect to see the same kinds of posts.

i’m honestly a bit sad about leaving let’s be lost, especially since it was finally nearing 1000 followers. i generally dislike change, so part of me is freaking out about moving on to something new, but i feel like this a good thing. i’ve exported some of my better posts from here to killjoy, so there’s already lots of content.

before i go, i want to say thank you for all the sweet comments and amazing followers i’ve gotten on this blog. you guys mean the world to me and i hope to see you over there.

anyway, i’m pretty excited about this. i think killjoy fits me really well and i’m glad to be starting from (mostly) scratch again.

so please go visit killjoy, follow, and give it some love. :)

xo

loren

// goals for 2018 //

i’m a bit late to the new year’s resolutions party, but it’s fine.

other than the first one, they’re all personal goals (instead of blogging goals), but you’ll definitely hear about them if i complete any.

let’s get into it. :)

---

reach 1000 followers

with 828 followers, i’m actually pretty close to this already.

i don’t like asking for followers, but maybe join the let’s be lost gang if you want to help a teenager with low self-esteem feel accomplished for once in her life? just a thought.

reach 50k in my novel

i have a pattern with my writing habits: write a ton for nano, and then take a break during december, promising that i’ll resume my story in january. but, of course, that never happens, so i have a bunch of half-finished novels lying around. hopefully this will be the year i keep working on my nano project.

(i’ve actually got 21k right now, whoop whoop.)

not cry on the first day of school

i’m going to high school full-time next year, and i’m not ready. like, at all. it will be a miracle if i don’t break down in a bathroom or the middle of class.

my main concerns are a) i look gross and i don’t always want people to look at me, and b) i’m not going to have any friends!! just hear me out on this. i already know a lot of people in my grade and none of them have expressed any interest in befriending me. why would that suddenly change next year? so i won’t have any buddies unless some upperclassman decides to take me under their wing because of how lonely i look.

learn to play drums

i plan on joining my school’s marching band, but apparently you need to be able to play an instrument to do that?? who knew. drum seems like the easiest, and i’ve always wanted to play, anyway. plus, i already have a drum (technically my brother’s) that i can practice on.

go to a concert

literally everyone i know has gone to a concert, even ones who aren’t into music and only tagged along because of a friend. i would definitely cry from happiness if i get the chance to see a band i like this year.

meet an internet friend

i’m looking at you, sam and rutvi. you guys are incredible and i love you and it sucks that you both live so far away from me.

go to camp

it’s pretty much guaranteed that i’ll be able to go to ahg camp again this year. it’ll be my third time there so i’ll be an experienced camper™. i’ll hopefully be able to get that rad rainbow knife that i couldn’t get last summer because one of the staffers overheard me and my friend discussing murder.

i’d also like to go to a place called camp victory with said friend. they do zumba every morning.

get better at drawing faces

i can sometimes draw faces, but they’re sort of cartoon-ish. i’d like to improve my skills so my people look more realistic.

get better at gymnastic

my brother and i did gymnastic together for years when we were younger, and i just started going again this week. it’s not as hard as i remembered, which is probably a good thing. i’d like to stick with gymnastic for the entire year and finally get down my back handspring, which i had almost mastered when we quit.

make a new friend

i don’t think i made a single friend in 2017 that i’ve seen regularly. in fact, i kind of lost some instead. hopefully i’ll make a friend at my school so i don’t have to do high school by myself.

read 100 books

this doesn’t sound that difficult, but i only read about fifty books last year due to a huge reading slump, so we’ll have to see.

goodreads tells me i’m one book ahead of schedule but i think it’s lying.

---

so there you have it. everything i want to achieve in 2018. some of them are too outlandish for me to actually accomplish (i’m looking at you, not crying at school and making a friend), but some of them seem attainable? maybe? who knows.

do we have any of the same goals? what’s something you want to do in 2018? let me know in the comments. :)

xo

loren

// 2017 christmas haul //

hey, friends. :)

i’m finally putting up that christmas haul that i promised. please keep in mind that i’m not trying to brag — i’m thankful for everything i received (except maybe the stamps) and just wanted to share.

idk. let’s get into it.

---

stocking stuffers

i got a lot of candy in my stocking — these are the only two that i haven’t eaten already. my mom thought she was being funny by getting me turtles, because i’d been asking for a pet turtle all year.

i love lip balm!! this one is hershey’s brand. idk what flavor it is because the packaging got thrown out, but it’s kind of fruity with a tiny bit of peppermint.

my brother and i both got fun string. i sprayed it in his hair as soon as i got it open and have been tormenting him with it ever since.

let’s ignore the change of scenery.

the last thing in my stocking was this tiny music box. it plays the song somewhere over the rainbow. :)

from family

my brother gave me animal crossing: new leaf. i named my town hell, which makes the conversations about moving in much more interesting. for example: “so do you go to hell very often?” “i sure hope you find a sweet little house and have lots of fun making new friends in hell!”

of course i got books. i’m super excited to read these, especially nightfall and everland.

i got a white sweatshirt (very soft on the inside) with this informative sign on top of it. apparently my mom is going to print out the dear evan hansen logo and iron it onto the shirt. personally, i think she’s going to forget out it and never help me, but it’s whatever.

ft. barakat the plant

i picked out these pajamas and got to open them on christmas eve. they’re incredibly soft, and they’ve got pockets and a hood.

i’m not a fan of purses, they get in my way and it’s hard to run with one. but i need something to carry my junk around in. you see my problem?

so grandparents #1 got me this cute mini backpack. :)

grandma #2 bought these things for all the kids. i’m not really sure what it is, but it’s very loud.

some candy that will likely find its way into my brother’s stomach.

grandma #2 planned a game where tiny trinkets were bundled up in a ball of cling wrap. we passed it around in a circle while the person who had it before tried to roll doubles on some dice. once they got it, the ball and dice were handed off again. you got to keep whatever you tore from the ball on your turn.

why did she think kids would like stamps for christmas? who knows.

i also got some seeds from the cling wrap ball! granted, most of them are probably too old to grow anything from, but i’ll still try.

from some other family members, i got a face mask and summer fruit eos. my brother got the bubble bath and lip balm (avon iced gingerbread) in the cling wrap ball and gave them to me.

i’ve never used a face mask in my life, so i’m excited to try it out.

in my family, christmas is not complete without getting lots of money. i got $190, as well as target and chick-fil-a gift cards. i’m not sure what i’m going to spend the money on yet — maybe books or clothes (i’m thinking oh wonder merch).

from friends

my friend izzy spoils me. she got me a ton of stuff and i love her for it.

the first thing she gave me is a beanie with wireless speakers sewn into it. i can connect my ipod to its bluetooth and play my music while everyone thinks i’m listening to them. it was more of a joke then an actual gift, since izzy didn’t think it would work, but it surprisingly does.

another thing she got me is this beautiful dear evan hansen case! it’s a bit too big for my ipod, but i stuffed a tissue into it and now it’s good.

izzy took me to the mall and let me get whatever i wanted. i found all time low’s don’t panic album on cd at this sick music store. it’s mostly clean, which means i can play it in the car when i’m with my mom.

i dragged her to hot topic to hunt for pins. she hates the store because she had a dream where vampires that were hiding there kidnapped her or something like that. anyway, i found a few pins there: bob ross, panic! at the disco’s logo, and L for loser.

we also found this gravity falls patch for my jacket.

from k, i got a wooden L, a picture frame, and an ornament of the white rabbit from alice in wonderland.

she always gets me something alice in wonderland-themed. over the years, i’ve gotten the complete works of lewis carroll, a mad hatter origami kit, etc.

other

i went to a christmas party with bethany and mckenna and got these at the white elephant gift exchange. they came in a bag with a can of refried beans and gas-x, but idk where those are now. i gave the gas-x to my brother as a joke, which he didn’t think was funny.

i’m going to use the itunes card to get the heathers soundtrack, because it’s not on spotify.

honestly, what i’m most excited about is all the lip balm i got. i’ve been collecting them for years and i currently have 40+. granted, i only use about five of them, but still.

i hope you enjoyed reading my haul. :)

did we get any of the same things? what’s the best gift you received? 

xo

loren

// december memoir //

documenting a month through poems and journal entries and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.

---

i. another year of loving something just out of reach. you are a ghost of a kiss.

it hurts that you are replacing me and i have no one to take your spot. i am tired of missing you and not being able to do anything about it.

ii. i wish i didn’t really kiss the mirror when i’m on my own. oh god, i’m gonna die alone. (teen idle // marina and the diamonds)

iii. i haven’t been this angry in a long time. i know that she is just trying to help, and that i am being completely unreasonable. but, god, she is ignorant and i want to break things.

i don’t blame you for being you, but you can’t blame me for hating it. (a little less sixteen candles, a little more “touch me” // fall out boy)

v. i ran across the city to get to you. cold air, street lamps, heavy breaths, tight chest, shoes pounding against concrete. with every step, i thought, i am getting closer to my future or closer to heartbreak. but i missed you. and i sprinted through the crowded sidewalks again before missing you a second time.

vi. i’d promise you anything for another shot at life. (disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy)

vii. i had a dream where we danced together as it snowed. i have been smiling all day.

i just want to dance with you. i’ve never learned how and i don’t think you have, either, but it doesn’t matter. i want to hold your hands and sway and spin and have you fall in love with me again.

can we try? i don’t care if your palms sweat or if you step on my feet or if the music is bad. just dance with me, please.

viii. and i’ve been talking to God, asking for just a little help with you, but it’s hopeless. it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in. tell your new friends that they don’t know you like i do. it’s over. i wanna see you again, i wanna feel it again. (oh well, oh well // mayday parade)

ix. i am at a party with sweets in my hands, smiling with my friends, and something goes wrong. suddenly everyone is staring at me and expecting the right words from my mouth and the world is caving in, and i can run and cover my ears, but i can still hear the laughter.

x. one track mind, one track heart. if i fail, i’ll fall apart. maybe it is all a test, cause i feel like i’m the worst so i always act like i’m the best. (oh no! // marina and the diamonds)

xi. anger, even when it’s not directed at me, makes me hate myself. maybe anger is contagious. maybe one person’s cruelty sparks it in others until everyone’s fists are raised and tears feel like acid on your cheeks. if you could just say you’re sorry — would that be so hard? — i could lower my hands and leave you without guilt tucked into my suitcase.

xii. the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize that two out of three ain’t bad. (i’m like a lawyer with the way i’m always trying to get you off (me & you) // fall out boy)

 

xiii. i am afraid i will not go to heaven. i have been told so many times that i do not deserve it.

xiv. mama who bore me, mama who gave me no way to handle things, who made me so sad. mama, the weeping. mama, the angels. no sleep in heaven, or bethlehem. (mama who bore me (reprise) // spring awakening)

xv. i woke up before dawn and ran outside in my pajamas to watch the sunrise. water dripped down my forehead  and the sky was pink and orange and i was freezing. it was beautiful and you never realize just how little you matter until you are huddled under a watercolor sunrise.

xvi. i’m just a moment, so don’t let me pass you by. we could be a story in the morning, but we’ll be a legend tonight. (outlines // all time low)

xvii. life goes on. life goes on, even when you don’t want it to, when you want to pause it and live in that moment because things are good.

things were not good, but i had you and a dream of leaving, and that made them good. i do not want life to go on if you are not in it. i want to live in a moment when you are still here.

xviii. best friends, ex-friends to the end. better off as lovers and not the other way around. (bang the doldrums // fall out boy)

xix. my friends and i cuddled on the fold-out bed in the basement that creaks when you move and pokes you with its springs in the most tender spots. we were laughing, hands intertwined, radiating warmth and lazy joy. i said that i could never be the one to end things because i wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of breaking someone’s heart, and they agreed.

i didn’t know that you were thinking of ways to say goodbye. i wonder if it would have made a difference if you’d been able to hear us sift through our memories and remember how things began. i am both angry and relieved that you do not seem to bear the same guilt that i do, and i don’t know how that can be.

xx. i would’ve married you in vegas, had you given me the chance to say “i do.” (vegas // all time low)

xxi. i said that 2016 was the worst year of my life, because i lost you for the first time and nothing had ever hurt more. now i am saying that 2017 was the worst, because i lost you again and it hurt more than before, more than i imagined anything could hurt. today, it is 2018, and i am afraid that it will be the worst year of my life, because i think i am going to lose you again, permanently. maybe i will recover from this, but not if you are gone forever.

xxii. i came out grieving, barely breathing and you came out alright. but i’m sure you’ll take his hand, i hope he’s better than i ever could have been. my mistakes were not intentions, this is a list of my confessions i couldn’t say. pain is never permanent but tonight it’s killing me. (december // neck deep)

xo

loren

// 2017 reading recap //

hey.

i hope you all had a wonderful christmas. mine was fairly good. i’m currently putting together a haul, but i doubt it will be up until the new year because i have another family celebration to attend.

anyway, i saw book recaps on dragon waffles and paper fury and decided to make one myself. after all, i can only go so long without gushing/ranting about what i’ve read.

shout-out to my friend izzy for making me read paranormal/horror books.

so apparently 20% of the books i read this year were romance? that’s a bit concerning because i generally hate that genre. but it’s rare to find a contemporary that isn’t also a romance, so that probably explains it.

i had more books with lgbt+ characters on my tbr, but my mom wouldn’t let me read them. because, you know, i might become more open-minded and accepting and we can’t have that.

i’m very picky when it comes to giving five stars.

also, i don’t think i’ve ever given a book just one star in my life.

2017 favorites

(not all of these were released this year. they’re just the best ones that i read in 2017.)

how to say goodbye in robot – i started sobbing when i finished this one. (this might be because i am extremely emotional and not because the book was sad, although it was.) i really wanted everything to turn out well for ghost boy and robot girl, and it ended much differently than i expected.

tiger lily – peter pan retelling from tiger lily’s pov!! i’ve always loved peter pan and this book gave neverland new depth. it’s a romance, but not a fluffy one — it’s gritty and real and they hurt each other.

all the bright places – i know this one is controversial, but i actually loved it a lot. i read it when i was “asleep,” as finch would say, and it stuck with me because it was like i was reading about myself.

 the empty grave – thanks for ripping out my heart, stroud. i hate you for putting my sweet children through that.

lucky few – homeschoolers with death wishes!! sounds like my autobiography.

heap house – originally, i thought it was just really, really weird, but it’s been growing on me since then.

prettiest covers

(currently still reading the girl who drank the moon, but i can include it because i said so.)

overhyped

i might get hate for this, but i detest most of these and have no idea why they’re so popular.

must read in 2018

 how can i call myself a bookworm if i haven’t read any of maggie stiefvater’s books??

have you read any of the books i mentioned? do you agree/disagree with me on my picks for the overhyped section? let me know in the comments.

xo

loren

// truce //

now the night is coming to an end
the sun will rise and we will try again

stay alive, stay alive for me
you will die, but now your life is free
take pride in what is sure to die

i will fear the night again
i hope i’m not my only friend

stay alive, stay alive for me
you will die, but now your life is free
take pride in what is sure to die

truce // twenty one pilots

---

truce (noun): an agreement between enemies or opponents to stop fighting or arguing for a certain time.

to the universe,

let something wonderful happen and i will stop begging for good things every night. i will stop crying out to you that the garden on my lot has wilted. just send some sunlight to bring the flowers back to life.

to my love,

i will stay alive for you if you will stay alive with me.

(easier said than done, darling.)

i think both of our hourglasses are almost empty.

xo

loren