// 8•19•17 | county fair //

i was able to go to the fair with a few of my friends last saturday (k, b, and two who i’ve never talked about before: emily and adam). summer has come to a close, school started yesterday for me, and my best friends and i aren’t going to the same co-op anymore. it felt like a last hurrah. a toast to summer and all-nighters and lost loves. the happy ending to the chapter where we saw each other every friday. it was exciting and sad.

i met up with my friends in the barn with the poultry and rabbits. then we explored the art exhibit. we stood in line for about twenty minutes just to buy tickets for the rides. adam let a young woman cut in front of us because she offered him five dollars.

adam is quite weird. he kept bumping into us and trying to push us in front of oncoming golf carts. he got slapped often that night. i don’t feel bad for him.

we were going to fight each other — brawl right there in the middle of the street. i was pretty confident that i could beat him, but k and emily wouldn’t let us. they’re no fun.

fair food is greasy and too sweet and exactly the kind of thing to enjoy with friends. k and i shared a funnel cake.

zero gravity ride.

it’s not blurry, it’s aesthetic.

round and round like a horse on a carousel, we go. will i ever catch up to love? i could never tell. (carousel // melanie martinez)

the typhoon is my favorite ride at the fair. i didn’t get to go on it this time, though.

i kept trying to sneak pictures of my friends. k and adam got pretty ticked at me. :)

b had to leave before too long, which was a bit disappointing. we missed you, my dear.

the only ride we went on was the ferris wheel. we waited in line for about half an hour. it wasn’t that bad, really. we made fun of my friend’s deadbeat boyfriend who bailed on her, complained about the line a lot, etc. adam had a soda and was threatening to pour it on my head. i dared him to, because i would have been able to slap him for it without getting in trouble. but he was actually decent enough not to dump the soda on me (shocking!!).

cotton candy clouds.

the top of a ferris wheel at twilight is a sweet, romantic place, right? k was hoping to ruin someone’s date, so she started singing “i hate you, i love you, i hate that i want you” at the top of her lungs.

sitting at the top of a ferris wheel makes me feel like i am part of something bigger. lights on the ground, lights in the sky, lights in my friends’ eyes. the people buzzing about on the earth appear as we really are: tiny. there’s a breeze lifting the damp hair off my neck and i can hear music and laughter from below. this must be what it feels like to be infinite.

on a fault line, late night
underneath the stars we came alive
and singing to the sky just felt right
i won’t forget the good times

while the punks started picking fights
with the skater kids under city lights
remember how we laughed till we cried
i won’t forget the good times

i never want to leave this sunset town
but one day the time may come
and i’ll take you at your word
and carry on

i’ll hate the goodbye
but i won’t forget the good times

good times // all time low

xo

loren

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// 30 song challenge //

welcome to this trash heap of a blog, run by your friendly neighborhood emo kid. enjoy your stay here and try not to cringe too much. :)

mason did the 30 song challenge on their blog, and i thought it looked pretty cool, so here we are.

1) your favorite song 

please don’t.

2) your least favorite song

gather round, my children, and let me tell you a story. my brother is really into ’80s music and will play maybe four songs from that time on repeat. one of those is never gonna give you up // rick astley. i didn’t like that one in the first place, and he’s played it so often that i flip out 0.3 seconds into the song.

3) a song that makes you happy

sophomore slump or comeback of the year // fall out boy. definitely one of my favorite fob songs.

we’re the therapists pumping through your speakers, delivering just what you need. 

4) a song that makes you sad

waving through a window // dear evan hansen. it pretty much perfectly depicts social anxiety. i’ve sort of latched onto the entire thing.

did i even make a sound? it’s like i never made a sound. will i ever make a sound?

Dear Evan Hansen (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

x

5) a song that makes you feel guilty 

good for you // dear evan hansen. aka the most passive aggressive song ever. it just leaves me feeling so forgiven (sarcasm).

i gotta find a way to stop it, stop it, just let me out!

6) a song that reminds you of someone 

pup: the right girl // the maine

i did the wrong thing to the right girl. it was your world, baby, and i just lived in it. 

drama queen // green day

she is my drama queen. she is so wild and reckless. 

n: far too young to die // panic! at the disco

don’t let me do this to myself. | well, i never really thought that you’d come tonight.

my mum: shut up // blink-182

i wanna move out, when can we move out? this has got to stop.

what you need // bring me the horizon

don’t ask me why and then roll your eyes at the answer. 

7) a song that reminds you of somewhere 

nice2knoU // all time low reminds me of summer camp. i get to go there next month and i’m quite excited about that. :D

we always say that we’ll keep in touch. nobody does, but it don’t matter much. 

8) a song that reminds you of a certain event 

can’t help falling in love // twenty one pilots (cover) and on the wing // owl city remind me of the weekend i spent with n at the lodge. he can play can’t help falling in love on his ukulele, and he played it probably a hundred times while we were there.

9) a song that you know all the words to

built this pool // blink-182.

I WANNA SEE SOME NAKED DUUUUDES. THAT’S WHY I BUILT THIS POOL. (IS THAT REALLY IT?)

that’s the whole song, and i freaking love it.

10) a song that you can dance to 

dancing for me means jumping around and headbanging (it looks so hot, trust me), and party poison // my chemical romance and where did the party go // fall out boy are good for that. :)

11) a song that makes you fall asleep

anything by sleeping at last. they make such soft, dreamy songs, and listening to them is a nice way to fall asleep.

12) a song from your favorite band

i tried making a playlist of my favorite songs. it’s called “swiggity swag you look good in drag” and has 100+ songs. so i don’t think i can answer this one.

13) a song from a band you hate

i cannot stand taylor swift (sorry, rutvi), so anything by her. my dad loves her, though. he watches taylor swift music videos at work to entertain himself. and one time when pup was here, we walked in on him twerking to one of her songs (should’ve said no, i think). that was an e x p e r i e n c e.

14) a song that no one would expect you to love

idk?? it’s still rock and roll to me // billy joel. maybe. is that surprising?

x

15) a song that describes you

i’m a mess // frank iero and the patience, weightless // all time low, or anything from the front bottoms’ talon of the hawk album. here is my attempt to sum up the album:

i’m so cool and punk!! *half-hearted dab because that’s what the kids do these days* i’ve been crying for three weeks straight, though. love sucks, but here i am, wanting attention and to hold someone’s hand!! i’d totally get drunk to forget my pain, but i’m a minor and alcohol is kind of gross anyway!! *skateboards off a cliff while crying and drinking a capri sun*

16) a song you used to love but now hate

please don’t make me think about my past choices.

17) a song you often hear on the radio

idk, man. i don’t listen to the radio very much because it gives my mom a headache or something. the only station we can agree on is a classic rock one.

18) a song you wish you heard on the radio

literally anything that i actually like, please. i can never sing along to the radio because i don’t often listen to music that’s “in.”

Image result for regional at best

x

19) a song from your favorite album

regional at best // twenty one pilots is probably my favorite album. i love the songs glowing eyes, lovely, slowtown, and ruby.

20) a song you listen to when you’re happy

if i’m in an incredibly good mood, i’ll listen to owl city, probably the maybe i’m dreaming album.

21) a song you listen to when you’re sad

i have a playlist called “:(,” so i guess whatever’s on that.

x

22) a song you listen to when you’re angry. 

beaten in lips // beartooth. it’s one of my favorite songs and it makes me want to finally fight back. :)

listen to the sound of your children revolting. listen to the sound of the lives you’re ruining.

23) a song you want to play at your wedding

the tøp cover of can’t help falling in love. it’s beautiful and still kind of emo.

take my hand, take my whole life, too. cause i can’t help falling in love with you.

24) a song you want to play at your funeral 

adam’s song // blink-182. or maybe good riddance (time of your life) // green day. take notes, my friends. :)

Coconut Sharks In The Water by RaposaBoba

x

25) a song that makes you laugh

COCONUT SHARKS IN THE WATER.

TØP’S BEST SONG. 10/10.

26) a song you can play on an instrument 

the two songs i’ve been playing recently on my ukulele are drama queen // green day and peach // the front bottoms.

27) a song you wish you could play

i can stumble my way through can’t help falling in love, but i’d like to be able to play that one well.  

28) a song in a foreign language that you like

au revoir (adios) // the front bottoms technically counts, right? it says “au revoir” and “adios” a lot, so yeah, it counts.

you know what i think’s really sad? i know how really sad you are. 

29) a song from your childhood

counting stars // one republic. pup likes singing this one when we’re together because she knows i used to love it.

one time this very religious girl got angry because a group of kids were singing the “i feel something so right doing the wrong thing” part.

Image result for blurryface

x

30) your favorite song at this time last year

anything from tøp’s blurryface album, probably.

if anyone would like to do this challenge on their blog, go right ahead. :)

xo

loren

// today was not too bad //

you are my peach, you are my plum. you are my earth, you are my sun.

(peach // the front bottoms)

« post idea from mason‘s rad blog »

songs in bold are explicit.

lazy bones // green day

feeling this // blink-182

rainbow connection // sleeping at last (cover)

hum hallelujah // fall out boy

peach // the front bottoms

after midnight // blink-182

miserable at best // mayday parade

troublemaker // green day

hey i’m sorry // blink-182

LISTEN TO PEACH, IT’S SO CUTE. PLEASE JUST DO IT.

i went on a five mile bike ride this morning with my mom. there were lots and lots of corn fields and hills. but there were also lots of wildflowers, like queen anne’s lace, daisies, and chicory. however, i did forget to use deodorant, and my shirt was literally soaked with sweat, so that was fun. don’t use me as a role model, kids.

x

does anyone else get intrusive thoughts? like, “eat that WHOLE tube of toothpaste,” or “impale yourself on that FRICKEN S T I C K.” because my brain was supplying some of those while i was biking.

my mind: you should swerve in front of this lovely car!! it’ll be fun!!

me: dude, what??

my mind: SWERVE TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT, TAKE IT BACK NOW YA’LL.

me: *screaming*

x

i have been really into blink-182 lately — probably thanks to how many times i listened to the california album while i was on vacation. (some of my favorite songs are misery, long lost feeling, after midnight, down, i miss you, and adam’s song.) anyway, i was looking at band merch at hot topic, and i found this sweatshirt. “genuine crappy punk rock” — i really should not find it funny, but i do. so i bought it and my band merch collection is expanding.

blink-182, according to my mom: “you mean that one band that filmed a video naked?” aye, cheers, mum, that’s the one.

Image result for green day mask

x

apparently you can buy masks of the green day members?? how rad and slightly creepy are these things? can we get them, n? you can have the tré cool one, since you need a bit of help in the cool area. ;D heh heh heh, making fun of friends is great.

i’ve been having fun annoying my family today with my expert ukulele skills (sarcasm). i’ve been playing one part from feeling this // blink-182 over and over again:

fate fell short this time
your smile fades in the summer
place your hand in mine
i’ll leave when i wanna

i have a legend of zelda shirt. fiGHT ME.

it has been confirmed that the best way to play ukulele while standing up is to pretend you are a flamingo, like so. (this picture was not easy to take because i kept hopping around and falling over. a round of applause for my mum, who deals with my peanut butter on a daily basis [i don’t think anyone is going to understand that, but it was funny, trust me].)

i’m bitter, so i drew a picture of me being replaced. r.i.p. 

i also made up a song about pup, which goes like this:

my baby girl is all grown up
she’s off to college
with her ugly boyfriend
his name is p-v-r
peak valley ridge
steals the girls’ hearts
and took my love away from me

(she’s not actually going to college just yet. we’re not that old.)

i think this blog started off as a writing/photography/books/the occasional weird rant blog, but now it has turned into a place for crying about music, mediocre art, the rare aesthetic photo, and basically a guide for how to become friends with the void. but it seems to still be attracting followers, so either it’s not as bad as i think, or you guys just like dumb stuff. probably the latter.

i stayed up until after 4:30 last night, which was fun, i guess? you’d think that i would have been so tired from my last all-nighter that i would have been able to sleep. but my body and mind frequently turn against me, and that’s how things like this happen. :) i started reading a book called the unlikely adventures of mabel jones by will mabbitt, which my friend izzy suggested to me. it starts with a girl getting kidnapped by a loris because she opened a portal into our world by picking her nose and eating it. maybe i only think it’s super weird because of how late it was, but i honestly can’t be sure.

i remember that one time in cultures class, n used “i pulled an all-nighter” as an excuse for getting all the questions wrong (clever, but cheap, my friend). our teachers were pretty chill, though, so they let it go. i’m not kidding, they were fifteen minutes late to their own class on the first day because they had gone to chick-fil-a while dressed up as old ladies.

 in february — it was the weekend of valentine’s day, i believe — i went to a camp in the mountains with n and his church’s youth group. the lodge felt really familiar, and i was sure i had been there before, but i couldn’t quite remember when. then i found some pictures of when i went there with the co-op.

i must have been about five or six and i was kicking butt on the climbing wall. :)

the kid in the green is n!! he’s so tiny. :D and the other small child is q. i love those losers.

HAVE A NICE EVENING. MAKE SURE TO DRINK YOUR CHOCOLATE MILK AND KISS YOU MOTHER AND CRUSH GENDER ROLES.

xo

loren

// swimming hole ft. a girl with mossy rock eyes //

salutations. :) my mom took den mother and me to neat swimming hole on thursday. i brought my camera, of course. here are the pictures, in a more or less random order.

there’s something sad and lovely about dying flowers.

butterfly fren. :)

there was a rope swing, and you had to climb up the face of the rocks to reach it. i was too short to grab ahold of the rope, so we had to find a stick for me to use as an arm extension. what we really needed was a tall person to use as a ladder.

my mom thinks that the rocks at the swimming hole look like animals. she found one last year that has an uncanny resemblance to a trout. b and i poked around for a bit and found this one, who is apparently a giraffe. his name is jeffrey the giraffe and he is the love of my life.

my name’s blurryface and i care what you think.

we were trying to be artsy and it totally failed. we should just stick to being losers.

skipping stones.

this is a rock and his name is gloria.

i tried to find a rock that matched her eyes.

we were having a competition to see who could make the biggest splash with a rock. i was planning on cheating and throwing her in.

she was writing a love note in the dirt. :)

the sun made tiger stripes on the rocks.

we were trying to cross one spot of the river, and we came up with some creative ways of doing it. originally, the plan was to stand on a large piece of bark and paddle/pull ourselves across with a stick. then we tried making a bridge. finally, b offered to give me a piggyback ride so i wouldn’t have to get my feet wet (yes, i’m aware that i’m a loser). it was only when we were crossing the river the second time that we realized we could both just walk across.

the sun was shining the entire drive to the swimming hole, but once we got there, a bunch of clouds popped up out of nowhere. waiting for the sun to come back out, we wandered around and photographed the wildflowers. once it had warmed up a little, we got into the swimming hole, which was absolutely f r e e z i n g. we found a couple of warm spots and huddled there until the current moved them elsewhere. we were comparing “tans” (which is in quotation marks because we are both extremely pale), and my shinguard tan is amazingly striking when underwater. my thighs are kind of tan, but everything below that is incredibly freaking white. shinguard tans are probably the worst thing about soccer. and we did this race, where instead of swimming or running, we bounced along the river on our butts.

we are not the most mature people.

i had seen pictures of the rope swing online, and that’s how i knew it was there. the swimming hole was kind of shallow that day, so jumping into it on a fraying rope tied to a dead branch was probably not the smartest thing i could have done, but i’m an idiot, so i did it anyway.

i didn’t wear a bathing suit (another brilliant idea, loren!), so even after we had been out of the water for awhile, i was still damp and shivering. while i was looking through the pictures b took of me, i realized that a) my lips were nearly blue, and b) i look like gollum when my hair is wet.

my mom set up a picnic (because she’s a genius), and i got some very  interesting pictures of b kissing a skittles bag. i might post them some time, but she has a lot of blackmail on me, so that might not be the safest thing to do with said pictures. but i definitely won’t delete them. :)

after we ate, b gave me a piggyback ride across the river, where we tried to skip stones and complained about the lack of tall people. really, though, most of my friends are scarcely more than five feet. it would be funny if i weren’t 5’2″ myself.

i’d love to go back to the swimming hole sometime, preferably when it’s hotter, so i don’t spend the whole time freezing. i need to remember to pack a tall person next time, so they can reach the rope swing for me.


a not-very-funny joke told many times that day:

b: why is it so cold here?!

me: because of your heart.


xo

loren

// i want you in the most unromantic way //

(i figured out how to use the timer option on my camera, and even though it’s something small, i’m actually kind of proud of myself.)

i got to hang out with my lovely friend pup on thursday, after trying to plan something for a week. we picked her up at nine and then hung around my house, doing typical teenage girl stuff. like making sweet, sweet music with my ukulele, ocarina, and flute (it actually sounded pretty awful, but we were having fun, so whatever); emptying my wallet of money and throwing 30+ bills around my room; experimenting with milkshake recipes; testing our flexibility; updating her blog’s design, etc. (mostly) normal things.

the unicorn squad.

the unicorn squad.

ah, yes. there we are.

we decided to go to the mall, to try and find a birthday present for our friend. we stopped at a couple stores, and it was actually really fun.

at books-a-million, i found two books about pup: they were called short and loser. and i spotted a unicorn mask and kind of freaked out. i think these are the sickest things ever, so of course we tried it on. we decided that at my wedding, my love and i will wear these for the pictures. i hope whoever i marry is cool with that.

(my nickname used to be unicorn [because i had a lovely zit on my forehead one day and pup is mean], and she will not let me live it down. but that’s fair, because i call her munchkin/fun-size/other nicknames related to being short, even though she’s actually a tiny bit taller than me.)


me, holding a mug that looks like the colossal titan’s face: hey, kelsie, look at this. it’s as pretty as you are.

kelsie: *beautiful girly shriek*


we found some superman socks with little capes attached to them. my friend q had some like that, and he wore them to co-op nearly every day. i think something must have happened to them, because he hasn’t worn them for a long time. i kind of wanted to get some new ones for him.

i found some cool socks, though, which i ended up getting.

BOOM. starry night.

we stopped at a kiosk that sells phone cases, and the worker pointed out one of the camo ones and told us that they were popular among the ladies. he was pretty funny and helpful, but we didn’t find anything nice. there were some yankees ones and a creepy duck.

pup said she was scared to go into hot topic. apparently she walked by it around halloween, and saw a goth kid whom she mistook as a vampire. but i finally coaxed her into going in, and she decided that it was ok once she saw all the disney and harry potter things.

while we were in there, SING by my chemical romance started playing. i flipped out and followed pup around the store, performing the whole thing for her dramatically. i hope i embarrassed her.

for every time that they want to count you out
use your voice every single time you open up your mouth
sing it for the boys
sing it for the girls
every time that you lose it sing it for the worldthen we made our way over to claire’s, because i hadn’t found a nice choker at hot topic and was hoping they would have one. i picked a very simple one, and pup and i wandered around the store, looking at the flower crowns.

when we were getting close to leaving, pup found some pretty bracelets near the register. we ended up getting six of them, and they’re tight enough to not be annoying.

we thought we were supposed to meet my mom back at books-a-million. we waited there for awhile, and jish’s family walked by (he wasn’t with them, sadly). every time i see him, i stare at him creepily and sing, “jooooosh.” i usually ask him about joward, too. because i’m evil. >:)

my mom eventually texted us to see where we were, and then we got lost in the parking lot because we couldn’t find our car. there were a couple of guys using a jackhammer on the pavement, and i don’t think they were supposed to be doing that. oh well.

when we were driving pup to her grandma’s party store, she posted a  bunch of really awful pictures she had taken of me on instagram. she’s literally the worst person in the world. but i posted that picture of her in the unicorn mask as revenge.

she’s one of the weirdest, most amazing people i have ever met. and even if she doesn’t stay in my life forever, i’m so thankful for every moment i’ve had with her.

so this was kind of a weird post, but i don’t think i’ll regret it. i want to save as many photos and stories and inside jokes and adventures as i can, because one day, the people i love might leave, and i need more than just memories of them in my head.

xo

loren

p.s. i just updated my about page. so go check that out.

// friends can break your heart, too //

it has been years

so why haven’t i let go 

of the past

of you

of us

it has been years

and seeing you still hurts

why didn’t you say hello 

ever again?

why do i still have hope?

it is killing me

i want to forget

teach me how

it was so easy for you


i’ve been thinking a lot about all the people that have left. and how every single time, it has been my fault. why wasn’t i more interesting? why wasn’t i good enough? why is it so hard for me to communicate? maybe they would have stayed if i weren’t so very me. what is so wrong with me that everyone leaves?

i was awake at three a.m. with all of my thoughts, and i wrote a poem for the first person who broke my heart. her name is lauren and she was my best friend, the first friend i ever made. i have lots to say about her, but that will be saved for another post. i’ll sort through all my memories of the two of us, even though they feel like thorny vines growing over my heart, and whip up something nostalgic.

so there you have it. my first attempt at poetry in a long while (and a hint of the pain that i’ve been ignoring for years. i think it’s time for me to address it.). i’ve written a few more poems since then, and i think they’re much better than this one. but i still felt like this was important, even if it’s not very good.

xo

loren