// 8•19•17 | county fair //

i was able to go to the fair with a few of my friends last saturday (k, b, and two who i’ve never talked about before: emily and adam). summer has come to a close, school started yesterday for me, and my best friends and i aren’t going to the same co-op anymore. it felt like a last hurrah. a toast to summer and all-nighters and lost loves. the happy ending to the chapter where we saw each other every friday. it was exciting and sad.

i met up with my friends in the barn with the poultry and rabbits. then we explored the art exhibit. we stood in line for about twenty minutes just to buy tickets for the rides. adam let a young woman cut in front of us because she offered him five dollars.

adam is quite weird. he kept bumping into us and trying to push us in front of oncoming golf carts. he got slapped often that night. i don’t feel bad for him.

we were going to fight each other — brawl right there in the middle of the street. i was pretty confident that i could beat him, but k and emily wouldn’t let us. they’re no fun.

fair food is greasy and too sweet and exactly the kind of thing to enjoy with friends. k and i shared a funnel cake.

zero gravity ride.

it’s not blurry, it’s aesthetic.

round and round like a horse on a carousel, we go. will i ever catch up to love? i could never tell. (carousel // melanie martinez)

the typhoon is my favorite ride at the fair. i didn’t get to go on it this time, though.

i kept trying to sneak pictures of my friends. k and adam got pretty ticked at me. :)

b had to leave before too long, which was a bit disappointing. we missed you, my dear.

the only ride we went on was the ferris wheel. we waited in line for about half an hour. it wasn’t that bad, really. we made fun of my friend’s deadbeat boyfriend who bailed on her, complained about the line a lot, etc. adam had a soda and was threatening to pour it on my head. i dared him to, because i would have been able to slap him for it without getting in trouble. but he was actually decent enough not to dump the soda on me (shocking!!).

cotton candy clouds.

the top of a ferris wheel at twilight is a sweet, romantic place, right? k was hoping to ruin someone’s date, so she started singing “i hate you, i love you, i hate that i want you” at the top of her lungs.

sitting at the top of a ferris wheel makes me feel like i am part of something bigger. lights on the ground, lights in the sky, lights in my friends’ eyes. the people buzzing about on the earth appear as we really are: tiny. there’s a breeze lifting the damp hair off my neck and i can hear music and laughter from below. this must be what it feels like to be infinite.

on a fault line, late night
underneath the stars we came alive
and singing to the sky just felt right
i won’t forget the good times

while the punks started picking fights
with the skater kids under city lights
remember how we laughed till we cried
i won’t forget the good times

i never want to leave this sunset town
but one day the time may come
and i’ll take you at your word
and carry on

i’ll hate the goodbye
but i won’t forget the good times

good times // all time low

xo

loren

// swimming hole ft. a girl with mossy rock eyes //

salutations. :) my mom took den mother and me to neat swimming hole on thursday. i brought my camera, of course. here are the pictures, in a more or less random order.

there’s something sad and lovely about dying flowers.

butterfly fren. :)

there was a rope swing, and you had to climb up the face of the rocks to reach it. i was too short to grab ahold of the rope, so we had to find a stick for me to use as an arm extension. what we really needed was a tall person to use as a ladder.

my mom thinks that the rocks at the swimming hole look like animals. she found one last year that has an uncanny resemblance to a trout. b and i poked around for a bit and found this one, who is apparently a giraffe. his name is jeffrey the giraffe and he is the love of my life.

my name’s blurryface and i care what you think.

we were trying to be artsy and it totally failed. we should just stick to being losers.

skipping stones.

this is a rock and his name is gloria.

i tried to find a rock that matched her eyes.

we were having a competition to see who could make the biggest splash with a rock. i was planning on cheating and throwing her in.

she was writing a love note in the dirt. :)

the sun made tiger stripes on the rocks.

we were trying to cross one spot of the river, and we came up with some creative ways of doing it. originally, the plan was to stand on a large piece of bark and paddle/pull ourselves across with a stick. then we tried making a bridge. finally, b offered to give me a piggyback ride so i wouldn’t have to get my feet wet (yes, i’m aware that i’m a loser). it was only when we were crossing the river the second time that we realized we could both just walk across.

☼

the sun was shining the entire drive to the swimming hole, but once we got there, a bunch of clouds popped up out of nowhere. waiting for the sun to come back out, we wandered around and photographed the wildflowers. once it had warmed up a little, we got into the swimming hole, which was absolutely f r e e z i n g. we found a couple of warm spots and huddled there until the current moved them elsewhere. we were comparing “tans” (which is in quotation marks because we are both extremely pale), and my shinguard tan is amazingly striking when underwater. my thighs are kind of tan, but everything below that is incredibly freaking white. shinguard tans are probably the worst thing about soccer. and we did this race, where instead of swimming or running, we bounced along the river on our butts.

we are not the most mature people.

i had seen pictures of the rope swing online, and that’s how i knew it was there. the swimming hole was kind of shallow that day, so jumping into it on a fraying rope tied to a dead branch was probably not the smartest thing i could have done, but i’m an idiot, so i did it anyway.

i didn’t wear a bathing suit (another brilliant idea, loren!), so even after we had been out of the water for awhile, i was still damp and shivering. while i was looking through the pictures b took of me, i realized that a) my lips were nearly blue, and b) i look like gollum when my hair is wet.

my mom set up a picnic (because she’s a genius), and i got some very  interesting pictures of b kissing a skittles bag. i might post them some time, but she has a lot of blackmail on me, so that might not be the safest thing to do with said pictures. but i definitely won’t delete them. :)

after we ate, b gave me a piggyback ride across the river, where we tried to skip stones and complained about the lack of tall people. really, though, most of my friends are scarcely more than five feet. it would be funny if i weren’t 5’2″ myself.

i’d love to go back to the swimming hole sometime, preferably when it’s hotter, so i don’t spend the whole time freezing. i need to remember to pack a tall person next time, so they can reach the rope swing for me.

---

a not-very-funny joke told many times that day:

b: why is it so cold here?!

me: because of your heart.

---

xo

loren

// i want you in the most unromantic way //

(i figured out how to use the timer option on my camera, and even though it’s something small, i’m actually kind of proud of myself.)

i got to hang out with my lovely friend pup on thursday, after trying to plan something for a week. we picked her up at nine and then hung around my house, doing typical teenage girl stuff. like making sweet, sweet music with my ukulele, ocarina, and flute (it actually sounded pretty awful, but we were having fun, so whatever); emptying my wallet of money and throwing 30+ bills around my room; experimenting with milkshake recipes; testing our flexibility; updating her blog’s design, etc. (mostly) normal things.

the unicorn squad.

ah, yes. there we are.

we decided to go to the mall, to try and find a birthday present for our friend. we stopped at a couple stores, and it was actually really fun.

at books-a-million, i found two books about pup: they were called short and loser. and i spotted a unicorn mask and kind of freaked out. i think these are the sickest things ever, so of course we tried it on. we decided that at my wedding, my love and i will wear these for the pictures. i hope whoever i marry is cool with that.

(my nickname used to be unicorn [because i had a lovely zit on my forehead one day and pup is mean], and she will not let me live it down. but that’s fair, because i call her munchkin/fun-size/other nicknames related to being short, even though she’s actually a tiny bit taller than me.)

---

me, holding a mug that looks like the colossal titan’s face: hey, kelsie, look at this. it’s as pretty as you are.

kelsie: *beautiful girly shriek*

---

we found some superman socks with little capes attached to them. my friend q had some like that, and he wore them to co-op nearly every day. i think something must have happened to them, because he hasn’t worn them for a long time. i kind of wanted to get some new ones for him.

i found some cool socks, though, which i ended up getting.

BOOM. starry night.

we stopped at a kiosk that sells phone cases, and the worker pointed out one of the camo ones and told us that they were popular among the ladies. he was pretty funny and helpful, but we didn’t find anything nice. there were some yankees ones and a creepy duck.

pup said she was scared to go into hot topic. apparently she walked by it around halloween, and saw a goth kid whom she mistook as a vampire. but i finally coaxed her into going in, and she decided that it was ok once she saw all the disney and harry potter things.

while we were in there, SING by my chemical romance started playing. i flipped out and followed pup around the store, performing the whole thing for her dramatically. i hope i embarrassed her.

for every time that they want to count you out
use your voice every single time you open up your mouth
sing it for the boys
sing it for the girls
every time that you lose it sing it for the worldthen we made our way over to claire’s, because i hadn’t found a nice choker at hot topic and was hoping they would have one. i picked a very simple one, and pup and i wandered around the store, looking at the flower crowns.

when we were getting close to leaving, pup found some pretty bracelets near the register. we ended up getting six of them, and they’re tight enough to not be annoying.

we thought we were supposed to meet my mom back at books-a-million. we waited there for awhile, and jish’s family walked by (he wasn’t with them, sadly). every time i see him, i stare at him creepily and sing, “jooooosh.” i usually ask him about joward, too. because i’m evil. >:)

my mom eventually texted us to see where we were, and then we got lost in the parking lot because we couldn’t find our car. there were a couple of guys using a jackhammer on the pavement, and i don’t think they were supposed to be doing that. oh well.

when we were driving pup to her grandma’s party store, she posted a  bunch of really awful pictures she had taken of me on instagram. she’s literally the worst person in the world. but i posted that picture of her in the unicorn mask as revenge.

she’s one of the weirdest, most amazing people i have ever met. and even if she doesn’t stay in my life forever, i’m so thankful for every moment i’ve had with her.

so this was kind of a weird post, but i don’t think i’ll regret it. i want to save as many photos and stories and inside jokes and adventures as i can, because one day, the people i love might leave, and i need more than just memories of them in my head.

xo

loren

p.s. i just updated my about page. so go check that out.

// friends can break your heart, too //

it has been years

so why haven’t i let go 

of the past

of you

of us

it has been years

and seeing you still hurts

why didn’t you say hello 

ever again?

why do i still have hope?

it is killing me

i want to forget

teach me how

it was so easy for you

---

i’ve been thinking a lot about all the people that have left. and how every single time, it has been my fault. why wasn’t i more interesting? why wasn’t i good enough? why is it so hard for me to communicate? maybe they would have stayed if i weren’t so very me. what is so wrong with me that everyone leaves?

i was awake at three a.m. with all of my thoughts, and i wrote a poem for the first person who broke my heart. her name is lauren and she was my best friend, the first friend i ever made. i have lots to say about her, but that will be saved for another post. i’ll sort through all my memories of the two of us, even though they feel like thorny vines growing over my heart, and whip up something nostalgic.

so there you have it. my first attempt at poetry in a long while (and a hint of the pain that i’ve been ignoring for years. i think it’s time for me to address it.). i’ve written a few more poems since then, and i think they’re much better than this one. but i still felt like this was important, even if it’s not very good.

xo

loren

// sunshine girl //

“now close your eyes, and please understand that you are still young, and the universe is endless, and somehow, everything will be ok.” x

« post idea from izzy’s rad blog »

songs in bold are explicit.

☼

girls/girls/boys // panic! at the disco

without you // oh wonder

you and me both // the classic crime

viva indifference // frnkiero andthe cellabration

on the wing // owl city

still breathing // green day

hold on till may // pierce the veil

when // dodie

landslide // oh wonder

my paper heart // the all-american rejects

☼

things i appreciate about my best friend:

☼ she’s the only one who can make me blush. ☼ we have the most confusing relationship. are we enemies? siblings? lovers? you’ll never know. ☼ holding hands 24/7. ☼ singing love songs to each other. ☼ me, silently: she’s so cute and wonderful and i love her smile and her eyes. me, aloud: hey, loser. every time you say something, all i hear is “punch me in the face.” ☼ our flirting gets out of hand sometimes. ☼ she’s willing to text me all night if i’m not ok. ☼ she’s like a constant beacon of hope and light and optimism. ☼ and she means everything to me.

“friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. it’s about who walked into your life, said, ‘i’m here for you,’ and proved it.”

can we all start showing more affection to our friends? holding hands, kisses on the cheek, cuddling, etc. and sincere i love yous. those things shouldn’t be saved just for a lover. i don’t want my best friends to think for a moment that they don’t mean the world to me.

and in the end, i’d do it all again. i think you’re my best friend (the kids aren’t alright // fall out boy).

xo

loren

// playing cards //

i’m sitting in the tree house that my father made for me when i was a kid. leaning against the sturdy tree trunk — one that’s been growing and thriving and alive for longer than i’ve existed — i feel the dips of the bark pressing against my spine. it’s God’s fingerprint on his creation. an artist mark.

k is on the floor, her legs crossed. she has a pack of playing cards with her and is laying them out on the mossy slats of wood. “this one is q,” she announces, setting the king of diamonds next to the queen of the same suit. she shoots a smug smile at b, who is hugging herself and staring into space. “the queen is you.”

b blinks. “really?” she laughs, her pale cheeks flushing red. then she points at the king and queen of hearts and suggests, “then these are you and t.”

a smile breaks out on k’s face. one flickers over my lips, as well. there’s something about seeing my friends happy over simple things that makes me think the world isn’t all bad.

k sticks her tongue out at b. with mischief sparkling in those clear cerulean eyes of hers, she settles her gaze on me. a joker card is pinched between her fingers. “this one is you, loren.” she casts it off to the side. “sorry, but your love isn’t coming back.” she laughs and gives me a sympathetic look.

i know she’s joking.

and i know that i’m a joke.

of course i’m the joker, and everyone else are the queens.

jokes always have a bit of truth to them. that’s why i’m the most fun to tease. everything about me can be turned into something for others to laugh at, and i won’t stand up for myself. why should i? it’s just a joke.

my friends are singing softly, smiling at their hands as the words leave their mouths and spiral through the air.

“cause all of me loves all of you. love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections”

they don’t sound perfect. but they sound real. real and deeply in love and daydreaming of someone that makes them feel something sought after by the whole world. the memories playing through their heads and the names written on their hearts may be different, but the feeling they’re pouring into the song is the same.

once they finish, a breeze rushes through the delicate leaves of the tree. it sounds like the earth is applauding.

with a faraway expression one k’s pixie-esque features, she tilts her head up at me. “come on, loren, won’t you sing something for us?” she asks.

a hundred songs race through my head, filling me with a sea of notes and favorite lyrics. but they feel too secret to share, as if opening my mouth will unleash all the memories and feelings and ideas attached to each song. the music is woven into my soul.

“i can’t think of a song. sorry.”

my friends shrug and pick a new song to sing.

the sun is going down. pastel shades of pink and orange and yellow creep along the horizon. it’s warm and the crickets are joining the melody and the stars i hung on the tree’s branches are beginning to glow.

it’s a perfect moment. but i wish you were here.

 my friends are in love and the sky is a masterpiece and i am lonely.

xo

loren

p.s. b/den mother and k/pup have both started blogs: “dear universe” and “north to south.” make sure to check those out. :)