// november memoir //

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documenting a month through poems and journal snippets and song lyrics so it doesn’t get lost in the gray fog that is my life.


i. i have a loft bed. when the lights are out and i’m climbing the ladder, the bunched up blankets take the form of someone curled up under the covers. a monster, something that looks like me, has stolen my spot.

but then i think, perhaps i’m the monster and the girl in the bed is the real loren. i’ve always been sure that i’m the human one, but maybe there’s no way to know.

there’s never anything in the bed, of course.

ii. don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything, but i’d go through hell for you. (going away to college // blink-182)

iii. there is a boy that i’m very fond of. he goes to a church close to my house and sometimes my mom will take me to see him after the service. i haven’t gone in over a month, i guess, even though being near him is all i want.

i have a reason. i was upset at myself, and i thought the best punishment was to stay away from him. and i was right, of course. nothing hurts more than having a chance to see him and saying no. and he won’t read this, but i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.

iv. you were the last good thing about this part of town. (grand theft autumn/where is your boy // fall out boy)

v. i keep having to stop and think about how familiar everything feels. i think it’s the sweatshirts and autumn air and shoes against pavement and the loneliness.

vi. think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. ((headfirst for halos // my chemical romance)

vii. i don’t really talk to myself anymore. i talk to you, in my head. you never answer, of course. so in that way, it’s not very different from talking to you when you’re next to me.

viii. i need you to believe me, can you trust me, that what you see is not what i see? the reflection in the mirror’s telling lies. cause nothing you have done could change how much i love you. (invisible // disciple)

ix. i am too quiet. i am too sad. i am too slow. i am too small. i am too difficult. i am too little or i am too much. i am never enough; i am never just right.

x. if you died i’d hope you’d haunt me, cause you know i’d miss you bad. (i’ll always be around // waterparks)

xi. i am tired and i don’t want to go to school tomorrow and i don’t want to keep thinking about you, but i know i’m going to anyway. i am so tired. i want to cry but there’s nothing there.

xii. shatter your skull, fight pain with more pain. forget who you are, unburden your load. forget in six weeks you’ll be back on the road. (freeze your brain // heathers)

xiii. please don’t leave me completely. you know that would shatter me and all my hopes for the future. i would miss you forever, even if you don’t miss me.

xiv. allow me to exaggerate a memory or two, where summers lasted longer than, well, longer than we do. when nothing really mattered except for me to be with you. but in time we forgot and we all grew. (folkin’ around // panic! at the disco)

xv. this season has been ruined for me. everything that happened in these colder months a year ago are still haunting me. i catch myself staring at calendars and remembering how each day felt like the worst one i had ever survived.

xvi. when you go, just know that i will remember you. if living was the hardest part, we’ll then one day be together. and in the end we’ll fall apart, just like the leaves change in colors. and then i will be with you, i will be there one last time. (it’s not a fashion statement, it’s a deathwish // my chemical romance)

xvii. i read a book where two best friends ran away together. they stayed in a crappy hotel by the ocean and drank and planned their future, listening to the sighing of the waves drifting in through the window. they slept side by side, dreaming together, content with their nearness. i cried for hours after i read it because that is all i want for you and me, and even something so simple is out of reach for us.

xo

loren

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24 thoughts on “// november memoir //

  1. olivehiddenhollow says:

    Oh Loren you’re making my heart cry, you sound so broken.💔 but God can comfort you.❤️
    “May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.” -psalm 119:76

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sarah says:

    Loren. It’s going to okay. You said it was the best punishment. Not the best choice. It is possible they miss you as much as you miss them.
    I am sorry if my words hurt you in any way.

    Like

  3. Rutvi says:

    You’re going to be alright. I love you Loren, and so do all your friends. ❤️

    I’m sorry and I wish I knew what you were going through so I could help. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. gracie chick says:

    Oh my goodness, Loren. This so beautiful, you have an incredible gift for words. This combination of lyrics and poetry and journal extracts was perfect.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through a hard time, I am too at the moment, but don’t give up, if you ever want to talk or share what’s going on we’re all here for you….

    Like

  5. writeowl says:

    you have such a beautiful gift with words ❤️ I feel some of your entries deep in my soul as well. just remember that you’re not alone ❤️

    Like

  6. Mya says:

    Loren, know that you ARE worth it, even if you have trouble seeing it. You were created exactly how God wanted you to be. You are His masterpiece. You are BEAUTIFUL and have a place and a purpose on this earth. Life is so frustrating. But you have so many friends who care about you and are willing to help you through these hard times. We all love and support you! ❤️

    Like

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