// christmas playlist + memes //

hello, friends! christmas always sneaks up on me, and this year is no exception. it’s in sixteen days and i’m not feeling very festive, and i haven’t finished shopping for gifts, either. i know what i’m getting everyone, but apparently you need money to buy stuff? who knew. luckily for me, i just got $50 from my grandpa, so that should help.

(also!! it’s snowing right now!! i’ll try to share photos of it and some more christmas-themed posts over the next two weeks.)

i’m a bit sick of traditional christmas carols, so i made a playlist for myself of (mostly) pop punk holiday songs. ones in bold are explicit. enjoy. :)

christmas playlist:

humbug // owl city

kiss me babe, it’s christmas time // owl city

all i want for christmas is you (cover) // my chemical romance

fool’s holiday // all time low

christmas lights (cover) // yellowcard

ho ho hopefully // the maine

peppermint winter // owl city

christmas on the road // sleeping with sirens

oh ms believer // twenty one pilots

the christmas song // owl city

smile at snow // dodie

white christmas (cover) // panic! at the disco

what’s this? (cover) // fall out boy

xmas time of year // green day

christmas collection album // sleeping at last

west coast christmas // anarbor

mini anti-christmas playlist:

xmas sux // frank iero and the patience

merry christmas, kiss my a** // all time low

i won’t be home for christmas // blink-182

yule shoot your eyes out // fall out boy

---

my friend b came over last month and helped decorate the christmas tree. neither of us can keep our hands off the camera, which means we got a lot of crappy pictures of each other. she suggested that we make memes out of the photos, which was a lot more fun than it should have been. so here are a few really awful christmas memes for your enjoyment (we made more, but they used pictures of me, so i guess you don’t get to see those).

yes, they’re horrible, we know.

merry christmas!!

xo

loren

// music recommendations //

hey.

i’m sure you all know that i love music. i listen to lots of different artists and i wanted to share some recommendations. maybe you guys will get into new bands after reading this.

for every artist, i’m going to talk about the kind of music they make/why i like them, and then in parentheses are some of my favorite songs (ones in bold are explicit).

there’s going to be a part two sometime soon, hopefully.

---

all time low – all of the songs have a summery vibe to them, even the sadder ones. they make relatable songs about being young and lonely and in love. it’s perfect for road trips or to just distract yourself from life. they’re one of the first bands i got into and they’ll always be special to me. (something’s gotta give, the edge of tonight, weightless, backseat serenade, if these sheets were the states, a daydream away)

beartooth – this band is one of the heaviest ones i listen to, i think (which isn’t very impressive, honestly). it’s fast and loud and aggressive (pun pun pun), and exactly what you need when you’re upset and misunderstood and you need to be angry. it’s good to listen to if you’re in a bad place, because it’s both sad and inspiring. (beaten in lips, sick and disgusting, me in my own head, loser)

be more chill (musical) – as some of you may know, i am quickly becoming musical theatre trash (thanks, kathleen). it’s mostly about anxiety, i guess, and how the main character, jeremy, goes to insane lengths to be cool and accepted. some of the songs have a robotic vibe to them, idk how to explain it very well. but it’s a great musical and if you’re into theatre, i’d suggest checking it out. (two-player game, michael in the bathroom, the pitiful children, voices in my head)

blink-182 – these guys are classic punk rock, aka teen angst personified. some of the songs are funny, some are sad, some make you want to fight. if you don’t mind slightly offensive lyrics, you’ll definitely find one that fits you. (i miss you, ghost on the dance floor, after midnight, the rock show, adam’s song, aliens exist)

bring me the horizon – the earlier albums are kind of heavy, but sempiternal and that’s the spirit are easier to listen to, in my opinon. the lyrics are depressing and bitter and desperate, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need, you know? (drown, avalanche, follow you, throne, happy song)

dear evan hansen (musical) – this is the first musical i listened to, so of course it means a lot to me. it also breaks my heart every time i listen to or even think about it. it deals with depression and social anxiety so well without romanticizing them. i love the characters and soundtrack with everything that i am, and i think everyone should listen to it, whether they’re into musicals or not. (waving through a window, only us, good for you, words fail)

dodie – she’s only got eps so far, and they’re soft and sunshiny. you can hear her accent when she sings, and that makes me quite happy. idk, her songs just hit that spot in your heart that hurts because of love and friendships that didn’t work out. she’s got a lot of songs on youtube, which makes up for not having any actual albums yet. (you, when, secret for the mad, one for the road)

fall out boy – where do i even start with this band? they’ve got the best lyrics, the kind that you want to get tattooed. they change their sound a lot, but i love all of it. i’ve been listening to them for a couple years and i haven’t gotten tired of it yet, and i doubt i ever will. (last of the real ones, sophomore slump or comeback of the year, the (shipped) gold standard, the kids aren’t alright, young volcanoes, save rock and roll, bang the doldrums)

frank iero and the patience – frank iero was part of my chemical romance, which sets the bar for his music pretty high. but i actually like some of his stuff more than mcr’s (although nothing will ever replace them for me). it’s still pretty emo. the lyrics are personal and honest and a lot of them hit me right in the stomach. (viva indifference, i’m a mess, miss me, joyriding, remedy, oceans)

green day – i saw this tumblr post that pretty much sums up the band:

i’ve got nothing else to add.  (missing you, good riddance (time of your life), lazy bones, whatsername, troublemaker, fell for you, x-kid)

heathers (musical) – dang dang diggity dang-a-dang, what to say about heathers? it’s about murder and slushies and more murder!! it’s very good, trust me. it’s entertaining and morbid  and jd’s metaphor in freeze your brain messed me up. :’) (candy store, freeze your brain, shine a light (reprise), meant to be yours, dead girl walking (reprise))  

---

clearly, i’m very into punk rock. if you don’t like that genre, then too bad. (although idk how anyone could really despise punk rock.)

try to pick one band/singer i mentioned, listen to a few of their songs, and then comment what you think. you might find your next favorite artist. who knows.

(i won nanowrimo yesterday. yay, me.)

have a good day!! :)

xo

loren

// playlist: rad //

the “rad” playlist (which originally had y.m.c.a. on it, but it made me laugh so hard that i had to take it off):

i want you back // the jackson 5

forget you // ceelo green

blitzkrieg bop // ramones

basket case // green day

back in black // ac/dc

hooked on a feeling // blue swede

should i stay or should i go // the clash

we will rock you // queen

another one bites the dust // queen

carry on my wayward son // kansas

i wanna rock // twisted sister

i wanna be sedated // ramones

cherry bomb // the runaways

we didn’t start the fire // billy joel

all the small things // blink-182

wake me up before you go-go // wham!

ghostbusters // ray parker jr.

it’s still rock and roll to me // billy joel

---

i’m sick today, have been since sunday night. i’ve got a fever/cold, i think. idk if anyone else does this, but when i’m sick, i have to be moving constantly or else i’ll feel like throwing up. which means i’ve been drumming my fingers on things, pacing, fanning myself, etc. it sucks a bit, but i’m actually kind of glad, because i didn’t have to go to school today.

 my friend izzy slept over on monday. we had a campfire, played the alphabet game (“my name is bartholomew, my husband’s name is bob, we live in a bathtub, and we sell BaBiEs on the bLaCk MaRkEt.”), watched guardians of the galaxy, slept in a hammock (2 people + 1 hammock = very bad idea), and made fun of each other until 2 a.m. the next morning, we danced in the rain to the piña colada song and then came back in and played just dance (which is always extremely competitive for us). i need to make an appreciation post for my friends sometime, because they’re strange and wonderful and make my heart do weird things.

i haven’t worked on my nano project yet today, but i’m at 24%, so i guess i’m on track. i’m still on the first chapter and everyone is still on titan, which isn’t nearly as much fun to write about as space shenanigans are. i want to strap them into their crappy ship immediately, but i need to introduce more characters before i can do that. someone help me, nano is already driving me insane and i’m only doing 15k words.

friendly reminder to take your meds, drink some water, and relax your shoulders. sometimes things are happy and sometimes they are sad, but they’re all good and you will be ok.

xo

loren

// vices & virtues //

the love child of last young renegade and dear blue eyes | love notes.

you can listen to panic! at the disco’s vices & virtues album while you read this, if you want.

i wrote this at 3 a.m., so it’s basically just me being really vulnerable!! please don’t use this as blackmail!!

the ballad of mona lisa | say what you mean, tell me i’m right, and let the sun rain down on me. give me a sign, i want to believe |

i only lied twice: when i said i was ok, and when i said that you had never hurt me.

i wonder if you know that i have nothing left to offer. i cannot give you hope, or an escape, or a smile that says “everything will be alright.” i cannot give you a love worthy of writing songs about.

i need to do something in order to be loved. that is how the world works. i have nothing to give, and i don’t think that i ever did. so why are you still here?

let’s kill tonight | fate will play us out with a song of pure romance |

i have been treated unfairly, and i am allowed to be angry about it. there’s something twisting and winding up in my chest that makes it hard to breathe, and it’s getting tighter, and it’s going to make me explode. i am allowed to sit here while my vision is stained with violent, hazy shades and do nothing about the tightening thing in my chest.

i would like to stand just out of reach and yell about how you put this thing inside me, and how you are acting like it is my fault. i would like to yell about how this is me and i know you hate it and that is why i am becoming someone who only feels in extremes.

hurricane | hey stranger, i want you to catch me like a cold |

i’ve been having that dream again. the one where you are on the sidewalk beneath the i just love . . . sign, and there is a fog over the world that matches my state of mind. i notice you from across the street, and i tell myself that i will know what to say this time. you see me, with eyes that are brown instead of blue, and that is somehow so much better. you walk away. i feel alone again, so alone. the word love is mocking me.

memories | oh memories, where’d you go? you’re all i’ve ever known. how i miss yesterday and how i’d let it fade away |

i am awake one morning when the birds are just beginning their this is a new day! song. pieces of light worm their way through the blinds and lie across the sheets; a drip of hope in this suburban tomb. you are suddenly all over my heart. it takes my breath away because i haven’t bloomed any roses in my soul for you in a long time. i had forgotten what this felt like. i can’t say that i’m glad to have remembered.

oh, blue eyes, don’t you see what you’re doing to me? i know i do not love you anymore. i can’t remember setting my heart on you so many years ago, and i can’t remember when i let you go, either. i had managed to forget that you are the definition of the word ethereal. i had forgotten that i was in love with you, and please, i wish i didn’t have to live with these memories.

trade mistakes | if i ever leave, i could learn to miss you |

you’ve probably forgotten. but believe me when i say that i never will. the room is filled with thick yellow light, the kind that makes you dizzy and only half there. i think i have been crying. i feel sick, like my head is packed with cotton balls, like if i move at all, i will slip away and disappear. i feel disconnected and like i am floating. i guess you were paying attention, because you put your arm around me and let my head rest against you chest.

“i love you,” you said to me.

i have been waiting my entire life to hear those words from you. i hope you can feel my smile against your shirt. i hope you know that you are filling me up with light and joy and the feeling of finally being safe and wanted. after making so many wrong turns in my life, you are the first thing to feel right.

ready to go (get me out of my mind) | i think i’m ready to leave. i’m ready to live |

this is why i lock the bedroom door at night. i feel something strange at five in the morning. the walls are whispering to me, leave, leave. run away, bird. fly. i think i will listen to them someday.

there used to be a bag in my closet, packed with everything i would need to survive, if the hushed words convinced me that i should go tonight. i was going to be a traveling street musician with a song of lament and the confessions i couldn’t say to you.

always | it was always you falling for me. now there’s always time, calling for me. i‘m the light blinking at the end of the road. blink back to let me know |

i’m sorry for never saying hello to you. i was sure that if i opened my mouth, the words i love you would escape instead. i came so close to telling you, my friend, every single time that we spoke.

i wish that one of us had been braver back then. what if we had said something when we still had time? you can spend your whole life dreaming and wishing and praying that you could go back and change one thing, one moment, one sentence. maybe if i had said yes instead of no when your friend asked if i liked you. maybe we would have had more time. maybe i am stuck with the future i have made for myself and there is nothing i can do.

the calendar | and i meant everything i said that night. i will come back to life, but only for you |

if you’re wondering if i miss you, if i still love you — the answer is yes. it is always yes.

my friends tell me about their dreams, when we’re wrapped in blankets and sleepover-induced joy. they say that you and i get a happy ending. i hope that means traveling the world with you and our cameras. you promised, remember?

it will be a happy ending as long as you’re still here, and not just in my poetry and memories.

sarah smiles | i really hoped that you would stay, but you left and went your own way, babe. i don’t mind, take your time, i got things to do besides sit around and way wait for you. oh, and i hope you do, too |

there was a summer that i spent trying to forget you. if you aren’t aware, attempting to forget someone ends up with them being on your mind even more. after all those nights i spent convincing myself that there was someone better out there (it was never the truth), after i could almost believe that i was over you, you turned up again and i was back where i started. i am trying to figure out whether your reappearance was a cruel joke or a spot of sunshine before the storm hit.

nearly witches (ever since we met . . .) | ever since we’ve met, i’ve got just one regret to live through. and i regret never letting you know | 

sometimes there’s a part of me that wonders if things would be easier if i had never met you. if i hadn’t skipped a grade, if you hadn’t been held back one, i never would have ended up sitting across from you during art and watching you draw. you make amazing art. you are amazing art.

but i don’t regret it. how could i? you are the best i’ve ever never had.

xo

loren

// feuillemort: the color of a dying leaf //

just some recommendations for autumn.

music:

halloween // be more chill

it’s almost halloween // panic! at the disco

the real world // owl city

forest // twenty one pilots

overgrown // oh wonder

wolf bite // owl city

isle of flightless birds // twenty one pilots

plant life // owl city

november // sleeping with sirens

trees // twenty one pilots

☼

the first two are the only ones that are really related to the season, the others just give me autumn vibes.

books:

coraline // neil gaiman

always october // bruce coville

on the day i died // candace fleming

may bird trilogy // jodi lynn anderson

lockwood & co. series // jonathan stroud

the black cat // edgar allen poe

the witch of blackbird pond // elizabeth george speare

☼

the lockwood & co. series is one of my favorites. i’m reading the last book in the series right now and my friend has given me hints about what happens. i’m a bit scared.

tv/movies:

coraline

the nightmare before christmas

the corpse bride

frankenweenie

over the garden wall (tv series)

☼

lots of tim burton movies. i love them very much and they’re pretty much all i watch around halloween.

---

have some photography. they all have an orange-y hue.

plant’s shadows are so pretty.

i don’t know what this plant is, but i like it a lot. it looks like it has tiny pumpkins growing all over it.

protip: dried pine needles make great fire starters (they’re also one of my favorite colors).

this is the first year of my life where autumn doesn’t signal the beginning of co-op. sometimes i really hated that place, but i miss it now. i would get up early and stand in the yard to watch the sunrise, frosted grass crunching under my shoes and my breath being illuminated by the first beams of light. my mind would become calm and still to match the quiet earth. i needed those numb moments of silence to get through the day, where i would be caught in a buzz of too-loud voices and bodies moving too quickly for me to concentrate on. i have so many memories of co-op, but the ones that stand out to me the most are the yellow lights and dirty tile floors and sitting on wooden boards in the heat while i spaced out and my friends giggled about boys. i remember feeling dizzy and weightless and slow.

i think i made it sound a little awful, but i miss it. i miss my friends.

autumn is my favorite season for a lot of reasons. some simple ones are the chill in the air, apple cider, orange light, flannels and boots, halloween. but i also love autumn because it is lonely. it is beautiful, but it is dying. vibrantly colored leaves can crumble between your fingers. warm days can melt away into long, shivering nights that get into your bones.

autumn is so, so lonely. autumn is cold. i feel like autumn.

xo

loren

// rainy days are rad days //

« post idea from mason‘s rad blog. songs in bold are explicit. »

☼

21 questions // waterparks

ghost on the dance floor // blink-182

HELP // the front bottoms

whatsername // green day

royal // waterparks

freckles and constellations // dodie

lipstick covered magnet // the front bottoms

disappear // dear evan hansen

bulletproof love // pierce the veil

stupid for you // waterparks

my mood’s dictated by our conversations, and if you don’t text i get too frustrated. i want you all to myself this time. (21 questions)

i’m gonna get on my knees, would you kick me in the face, please? it’ll make whatever i say sound like poetry. (lipstick covered magnet)

i’m color-coding my moods. you’re yellow, i’m natural blue. let’s get together and be green like my insides. (stupid for you)

i’m scared i’m gonna die as lonely as i feel right now. (lipstick covered magnet)

it’s like the universe has left me without a place to go. (ghost on the dance floor)

even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling that the world’s passed you by, you still matter. (disappear)

i fall in love with everything that wants nothing to do with me. (royal)

this isn’t fair! no, don’t you try to blame this on me. my love for you was bulletproof, but you’re the one who shot me. (bulletproof love)

thought i ran into you down on the street. then it turned out to only be a dream. (whatsername)

i saw your ghost tonight, the moment felt so real. if your eyes stay right on mine, my wounds would start to heal. (ghost on the dance floor)

i’ll be your new favorite tune, i’ll be your black cloud by june, but only when you miss the rain like i miss you. (stupid for you)

i’ll forget you if you need me to, like nothing ever happened. my sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened. (21 questions)

☼

two of my favorite things to photograph are my friends when they are in love with life, and the way the world looks when the sky has cried on it.

i think i’m just going to talk now, so if that doesn’t interest you, you can leave.

school has started for me (which means having at least one mental breakdown a day). i’ve only been at public school four times so far and i have already witnessed lots of drama and become known as “that odd homeschool kid who can pronounce spanish words really well and guYS, LOOK, SHE CAN DRAW!! PLEASE DRAW ME!!” pal, i will draw you six feet under if you keep doing this.

i have a book of some of edgar allan poe’s work. i like it quite a lot, although it’s pretty disturbing. i’ve read the tell-tale heart, the cask of amontillado, the raven, the black cat, and the masque of the red death. speaking of books, i have a goodreads account now!! so that’s cool. you can follow me on there, if you’d like.

i got contacts today!! i can see leaves and all the wrinkles on my mom’s forehead!! i’ve been singing a whole new world in my head all day. i also got some free sunglasses. they’re dark enough that i can stare at people in public, but they won’t know because my eyes aren’t visible. if you’re a stalker, you need to get some of those shades. take it from an expert.

i hope you enjoy looking at pictures of flowers and wet things, because that’s pretty much all this post is. sorry about that. have a good day, my friends. :)

xo

loren